Thursday, November 29, 2007

Mmmm...Your Personality is Like Really Hot

When you're unemployed and bordering on suicidal tendencies based solely on how well your cup of coffee tastes that day, the best way to feel good about yourself is being a judgmental asshole. And to sharpen that prickly skill, the fine art of mocking personal ads and dating sites can be a great thing to master, or at least use as a means of compensating for you inadequacies with emotional and physical intimacy.

While mocking my favorite Jorge Garcia-look-alike from Bayonne, NJ, I stumbled upon an article entitled, "When She's Hot But He's Not", a certifiably banal, inept exploration of the phenomena of romantic mismatches.

Now I don't mean to rashly dismiss Ms. Allison's point completely, but mismatches are what they are. From the outside looking in (especially in celebrity instances) we're going to scrutinize and destroy relationships regardless of their merit, because that's what makes us feel good.

Sure uglies bump hotties all the time, whether is be for $$$, social status, $$$, familial obligation, and $$$. Hot women are presumed to be the object of all and any men, regardless of age, physicality, or girth because of generations of mainstream conditioning. The elderstateman protagonist gets the girl even if she happens to be out of his sexual league and old enough to be his granddaughter.

We may complain of the inequity of ugly girl/hot guy representations in the media, but the reality is inherently clear: Guys, good looking or otherwise, just are more superficial than women are. And I'm not trying to make a grandiose generalization regarding women, cause, uh, yeah, no shit women are fucking superficial as fuck. But not on the same level or scale.

Let's compare the median of hottie-ness:

For many women, Brad Pitt is the culmination of that all is good and beautiful about the male body. Yet on the same level, as evidenced by the annual "Sexiest Man Alive" lists, slightly less obvious choices like Stephen Colbert and T.R. Knight are grouped into similar circles of sexiness. All three men couldn't be more different (obviously one is homosexual, but that is besides the point) yet for a wide ranging, yet ultimately mainstream section of female society, they represent a universally agreed upon embodiment of sexiness.

Now down to the doldrums of mainstream men: our countless numbers of lad mags, college hottie webcam shows, and multitude of porn sites that cater to our beckon call reflect the obvious: our mainstream standard is mediocre as fuck. While women may regale a man's propensity for sexiness vise-en-vise the way he makes me laugh, in the mainstream man's world, women aren't supposed to make us laugh, and if they do, they're not supposed to be hot. So Tina Fey, though widely heralded and definitely in my top 3, does not crack the surface of the mainstream male fantasyscape.
Jessica Tandy...mmmhmmm.

Give us Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Alba, fuck, anyone named Jessica who can make us come, and most definitely does not make us think. (Please don't come at me with that, 'She's a good actress' or 'I like her music' bullshit. Please. Emily Watson, or hell, Laura Linney is a good actress, but I don't see you jacking off to "You Can Count on Me.")

Women find Elijah Wood cute, cause he's quirky and funny, and interesting. Quirk in a mainstream man's world? Uh, that chick married to Paul Rudd in "Knocked Up" was kinda quirky in a hot way right? Nah, whatever, I'ma just jack to that chick from "Grey's Anatomy" and not the Chinese or whatever she is, one. She scares me.

So yes, the standard for attraction is so much more limited for men than it is for women, which is why those of us with standards or any semblance of regard for personality fall into the margins. You can take your Scarlett's, Halle's, and Angelina's; we'll be busy enjoying our Fey's, Cummings's, and Scott's, thank you very much.

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