Thursday, November 29, 2007

Random Thoughts From a Random Guy # 1: Why Women Are Like Wide Receivers

Did I see that correctly? No, it couldn’t have been. Wait! Indeed my eyes did not deceive me. That was Dwayne Jarrett on the field dropping that pass that could easily have been a thirty yard completion for a first down, and cemented his position as a legit possession receiver. Oh well…back to the bench.

Why do I care so much you ask? I have Jarrett on my fantasy team, he takes up a valuable receiver spot- and did I mention all the shit I take from the rest of the league who think I’m keeping him because I’m unaware that he is not even third on the depth chart? I’m not surprised that I’m keeping him- it’s my pattern. I can’t let something go because I’m scared of what it may become and how much I’ll miss it if it becomes what I think it is capable of becoming.

To really get what I mean I must mention that I have a girlfriend named Monica. She's pretty! I mean she's better looking than I am.

We both have an affinity for overpriced clothing and thoroughbred racehorses. She seems perfect doesn’t she? She isn’t. She's flirtatious, pretentious and has absolutely no sense of humor.

Just last week we went out to dinner with my cousin and a couple of his friends. Everything was going great until my cousin told me his friend loves “fat chicks like I love malt liquor.” To this I replied, “Then I better hide my girl.”

She was not amused. I don’t think she said more than two words to me the whole night. A normal girl would’ve realized that it was just a joke, and that I was trying to make conversation. Even if it was offensive, it’s not like she has never made fun of me. How does this all relate back to a somewhat slow possession receiver you ask?

I should get rid of Jarrett. He’s only owned in 7.5% of ESPN leagues. That is usually a good indicator of how good someone is. For example, fellow Carolina Panther wideout Steve Smith is owned in 100% of ESPN leagues. Getting rid of Jarrett seems like the obvious move, but what if he somehow finds his way into the starting lineup? If that happens he will be in single coverage all day (Steve Smith is just that good). This means that he can score upwards of twelve fantasy points per game. I can’t let him do that. At least not for anybody else’s team.

Now, let’s look at Monica. She's almost the perfect girlfriend; except for the fact that she’s a ticking time bomb that can blow at any moment. If I dump her and some other guy gets this irascible philly to calm herself, he’ll have an amazing girlfriend, and I’ll want to kill myself. Maybe I can hold on to both of them for a couple of more weeks.

Fantasy football, like life, is a fickle mistress.

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