Sunday, January 6, 2008

Random Thoughts From a Random Guy #4: Not That There's Anything Wrong With That


I am not a moral man. At least my friends say I’m not.

This is probably because I don’t correct the cashier when she gives me too much change, or maybe it’s because I don’t give tourists the right directions, or maybe it’s because I’d fuck Vanessa Hudgens in a second if I weren’t afraid of the police.



The reason that I bring this up is because it seems the looser my morals become, the more respect I get. I spent New Year's Eve partying with my cousin, who I almost never see. When we met up, one of his friends, Dan was already in the car. My cousin started rattling off the list of names of who else was going to be there, and when he got to their mutual friend Phil his friend said “I don’t know. I have my doubts about that one.” I asked why and they told me that he feels out of place since he doesn’t hook up with random women.

It bothered me- okay it didn’t really bother me-but I found it interesting that they were making fun of him for this. When I asked if they always bust his balls about this, they answered in unison, "Yes!"


I met his friend once or twice. He’s a tall guy with a muscular build who looks a little like Ed Burns. So, unlike the many real life 40- year old virgins that roam the country, clearly his lack of meaningless hookups is his choice. I tried to explain to them that it’s easy to be a normal guy. You do who you want, when you want, where you want. It’s the easiest thing in the world to let your most basic instincts run wild.

They countered that he has it easier because he lives a life with less choices. He is almost like a robot. I think you and I can agree that Phil’s life is more restrictive, his morals and desires constantly in conflict with one another. If anything, this makes his life more complicated.

This is at the heart of what wrong with our country. We’ve reduced “them” to caricatures. From Hitler to Osama to the man who plants crosses next to Arby’s everyone experiences inner turmoil and everyone basically does what he or she thinks is best. To think that someone does not infers that you think said person has the intellectual depth of a rabies stricken raccoon.


Hopefully you’ll read this and be a bit nicer to the "Phil" of your group. After all, contrary to popular belief, he has thought about banging your girlfriend in a bathroom stall, and resisted. If that’s not integrity, I don’t know what is.

By the way, the Brown Cary Grant never apologizes, but he’ll make an exception just this once. The joke about John Edwards was just plain cruel. Sometimes the Brown Cary Grant knows not what he does.

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