Saturday, February 2, 2008

Open Letter to Katherine Heigl

Dear Ms. Heigl,

I've already touched on my opinion of you in another blog but I thought I'd go into it further here since there wasn't a ProRun this week. So to begin with you're already losing out to Project Runway.

Let me start off by complementing you for your choices in movies and television. You sure know how to play the love sick popular girl with the dark brooding secret. It's your specialty. I was first introduced to you in "My Father The Hero." You played a love struck teenage girl toying about with the dark secret that the man you're trying to pass off as your lover is, in fact, your father. Gerard Depardieu came off as a pedophile and you, my dear, came off as an impressionable youth. In the end, daddy saved the day and you didn't have to take responsibility for what you did.

And with that my love/hate relationship with you started...

It was a few years before you re-entered my life, Katherine, but when you did it came as a surprise. Like most kids, I was completely infatuated with the teen dramas on the WB11. I was looking for something new and there it was, in the form of a little tv show based around teenage aliens. The boys were cute in that "you-just-know-they'll-be-awkward-looking-old-men-but-goddang-they-sure-look-hot-as-young-adults" sort of way. The girls were pretty in a way where you could look like them if you put your hair down a certain way. Well all the girls were that way except you. You were the blonde Amazon woman/girl with breasts larger than your co-star's head. The second you appeared on the show, I hated your character. You played the popular blonde girl hiding the dark secret that you were an ALIEN, all while being consistently lovelorn over characters that were better than you. Yeah, I had a crush on Colin Hanks but whatever. I hated your character. Once again I was torn by my love of the show overall and the hatred I felt for you character.

Here's a pretty good synopsis of the show when viewed through my preteen mind complete with my grammar school graduation song:

Then three years later, Grey's Anatomy made you a household name. I'm a sucker for all things involved with romance and that's basically what Grey's is. It's a huge romance novel set in a hospital set to an incredibly schmaltzy, indie-lite soundtrack. And you play the stereotypical lovelorn pretty girl with big boobs who every guy wants but...wait for it... she has a dark secret involving a trailer trash past complete with a baby put up for adoption. Everything you do on the show is overexaggerated and annoying. Your character's home wrecking was the last straw for me. Whining every five seconds about who you love and how love is special, etc... Like a broken record you go on and on, but I keep watching and I can't get enough. I'm torn.

Now the thing that really put you on the map as a ticket seller in the movie genre is the comedic romp of 2007 called "Knocked Up." Now I've already made my peace with the fact that "Knocked Up" is pretty much an updated young adult version of that grand ole Hugh Grant/Julianne Moore pregnancy flick, "Nine Months." I liked that one better because it had Hugh Grant and he's awesomely British.

I ended up buying "Knocked Up" (you can thank me for increasing your wealth whenever by the way) and I wasn't astounded with it. I know it was supposed to be one of those frat boy comedies but I wasn't bowled over as much as everyone else was. I thought you know what... Katherine you could have played this one up a bit. Your portrayal of Alison Scott, the popular pretty blonde chick who wants a little fun, ends up pregnant, and yearns for her baby daddy to love her all while keeping the pregnancy a secret from her bosses, was a one note performance of characters past. Despite all my criticism, I will watch the movie on occasion and will enjoy the stupidity of it all.

Today I watched your last film "27 Dresses" or whatever it was called illegally. I can't bring myself to go watch your movies in the theaters primarily because no one really wants to go with me. So I tucked myself into bed and watched your latest movie. It was the same as all the rest of your films with more hotness due to the male lead. And to think whenever I saw you necking with James Marsden all I kept saying to myself was, "OH MY GOD SHE'S MAKING OUT WITH CYCLOPS!!"

You played a woman with a job that is never clarified who just so happens to love weddings and you love your boss (though that part is hidden.) It's an alright film, but its never a good thing to have you singing... that's just cruel for us viewers. Stop ruining songs for the rest of us. Just Stop.

It looks as though your next project will be another rom-com dealing with a tv personality who has a tough time dealing with love and takes up her correspondent's games to find love and let me just guess for a second... you fall in love with the chauvinistic correspondent but you don't tell him... until the end thus extending your lovelorn pretty girl hiding something trend onto your next project. Well as long as you're picking them I'm watching them. I'll watch this "Someone Like You" bite off and enjoy it, dammit. Even if it doesn't have Hugh Jackman in his underwear...::tear:

So to conclude- I hate you and everything about you except for all the projects you're in. So please, dear god, please keep up this broken record string of the same characters in the same rom-coms for my sake. I need your banality in my life. I need the romantic adventures of a busty blonde that doesn't involve porn to occupy a good amount of my time. I need you despite the fact that I fucking hate you.

La Dame

0 painful displays of affection:

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