Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Random Thoughts From a Random Guy # 11: 'BizzarObama' or Fear of a Not So Black, Black President


It was about eight o’ clock in the morning.

The only people in the office were my boss and I. I wasn’t trying to be a brown nose; I just couldn’t fall asleep the night before. This, in combination with my complete lack of interest in trying to field foolish questions from my customers about the state of their portfolios, led my mind to wander.


I slowly started to daydream about things, strange things such as what would the world be like today if Alan Keyes had defeated Obama in 2004. One can only speculate, and so I shall.


First of all, with a staunch pro-life advocate in the Senate, there would be a decent chance of anti-abortion legislature being passed.

Teenagers, fearing that they might get pregnant, would abstain from sexual intercourse. This would cause the already irritable species known as the teenage girl to become even more irritable.

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Their road rage would multiply, accidents would triple, and companies like Geico would become immensely wealthy thus making the insurance business the most lucrative profession outside of investment banking and prostitution.


With Keyes gaining momentum in the Senate he would then push for a complete stop to affirmative action, which in his own words “is merely another government patronage program.” If he were able to survive the inevitable assassination attempt that would follow, his eyes would light up like a kid in a candy store as the economic disparities between Blacks and Whites became even greater.


However, on a positive note, due to the greater influx of Whites into American colleges, and hence fewer African-Americans playing college hoops, Duke University, the masters of recruiting talented Caucasian hoopsters, would once again be a basketball powerhouse like they were during the days of Christian Laettner. At least some good would come of this.


Mr. Keyes, oblivious to the destruction he would be causing, would then proceed to abolish income tax. Without the wealthiest 5 percent pumping money back into the economy, it would collapse.

Rioting and pillaging would sweep the country; those who used to make fun of people named “Kunal” and “Abdel”, would have wished they hadn’t as India and Angola become economic powerhouses and "Kunal and Abdel" are now our bosses as we work at the only white collar job available: the call center.


Thank you for saving us from that one, Illinois.

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