Monday, July 7, 2008

Kabbalah vs. Scientology: Who Ya Got?

The battle for who really runs shit begins...

With recent rumblings of Kabbalah brainwashing the Yankees' A-Rod into the inviting ancient cobwebbed hotbox of Lady Madonna, I thought it'd be fun to have a good ole fashioned celebrity hoe-down of who's who, sizing up the respective crazy celebrity cult teams who will someday turn on us nobodies and rule the world:

The visiting team, your Kabbalah Centre Kabbalahists!!!!
  1. Madonna
  2. Ashton Kutcher
  3. Alex Rodriguez (?)
  4. Lindsay Lohan
  5. Britney Spears
  6. Donna Karan
  7. Anthony Kiedis
  8. David Beckham (possibly leaving via free agency?)
  9. Paris Hilton
  10. Zac Efron
  11. Lauren Conrad
  12. Avril Lavigne
  13. James Van Der Beek
  14. Rosanne Barr
  15. Marla Maples
On the surface our newbies look to have some fire in them, backed by a manager/coach Madonna whose undeniable ability to reinvent puts the possibility of longevity on their side. And big money like Kutcher, Karan, and possibly A-Rod is good for a solid foundation (or three). Still, Hilton and her Simple Life pal, that grating Hills chick, Rosanne, Marla Maples and freakin' Dawson from Dawson's Creek? Travolta's Psychlos would make them their gold mining bitches (yes, I did make a Battlefield Earth reference no one should be able to make).

Avril Lavigne & Lil Mama flip tha red string

Now...the home team, your Church of Scientology Scientologists!!!!
  1. Tom Cruise
  2. John Travolta
  3. Will Smith (?)
  4. Paul Haggis
  5. Beck
  6. Isaac Hayes
  7. Juliette Lewis
  8. Lisa Marie and Priscilla Presley
  9. Leah Remini
  10. Chaka Khan
  11. Greta Van Susteren
  12. Giovanni Ribisi
  13. Jason Lee
  14. Kirstie Alley
  15. Doug E. Fresh
Right off the bat, you know they mean business with their crazy amount of Hollywood clout, old and new money, and far reaching influence into the vast spectrum of A to D-listers. While A-Rod would be a big ass addition to the Kabbalahists, Will Smith's rumored Scientology membership knocks the shit out of everyone (have you seen Hancock? Boy could shoot himself skull fucking an auditing E-meter and it could still make a $100 mil on July 4th).

"Hey man, let me get that lil' Thetan offa you."

And while the Kabbalahists have a foothold on the young, hip celebutante demographic, L. Ron's Hubbards have a strong stable of media makers, Oscar winning writer/producers (Haggis), pseudo-news people (Van Susteren), and minority music makers (Hayes, Khan, and Fresh). Sure, they're creepy, their secrecy and Cruise craziness has become the stuff of viral legend, but their racial/ethnic/social diversity makes them perfect for infiltrating the hearts and minds of everyday Joe and Jane Schmo (brown or white). Hell, they seem thisclose to landing Oprah for Christsakes.

In the end, Madonna's cutesy red string may have been able to finagle Alex's Rod, but Travolta and TomKat look primed to brainwash our soft, eager, celebcrazed brains. All hail Lord Xenu, and free your mind, or at least a few Thetans.

The new Holy Trinity: TomKat, PoshBecks, JadaWill?

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