Monday, August 18, 2008

Best Movies Never: Rhinestone

I love Dolly Parton. I love her music, her personality, the gaudy outfits, the fake boobs- I love it all. And nothing warmed my heart more than rediscovering one of my favorite godawful films from childhood, Rhinestone.

The thought process behind the production had to be flawless:

  • Let's recreate My Fair Lady, but give it a modern, urban, country twist!
  • We'll have Dolly Parton play Henry Higgins, and instead of wagering money, she'll bet her contract...and her body! (cause she's a lady and ladies of course always have to sweeten the pot)
  • And for Eliza Doolittle, we'll have...Sly Stallone, cause it'll totally flip the conventional gender roles script, he's hot, and besides, he's turning down some schlock films called Romancing the Stone and Beverly Hills Cop to make this one a hit!
  • Has anyone heard Sly sing? No? Fuhgetaboutit!

It might sound like I love this film in an ironic, hipstery so bad it's good kind of way, but no- I really, truly fucking love this movie. The singing, the costumes, the redneck stereotypes, the scenes with Dolly Parton interacting with Sly's Italian family, Sly's costume, the repetitive banal banter, Sly's costumes, Dolly's awkward romantic entanglements with Sly, and oh, did I mention Sly's costumes?

Sly's remade Rocky, Rambo...why not Rhinestone?

Some awful script about him and Dolly losing contact over 20 years, only to bump into each other in some Memphis bar; Sly, a middle aged beleaguered gentleman lamenting the days of his lost love, and trying to reconnect with a daughter he had with another woman who left him, and Dolly, a retired singer, now producer, with a son of her own, who's ashamed of his country music roots...and maybe have Matt LeBlanc and Jessica Simpson play their respective spawn- tell me you don't want to see that movie.

I mean, the movie saved Dolly's life, people! I think that more than warrants some undying praise, and a demand for a sequel, yes? Or at least a reunion performance?

0 painful displays of affection:

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