Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Tuesdays are just the second halves of horrific Mondays

Carefully constructed sand castles are the tiny semblances for a hopeful future. Clumsy reporters falling on top of hours of deliberate work are my landlords reminding me of how much hope costs.

This is all.



Spider-Man and Stephen Colbert teamed up in a comic book.

Shameless promotional plug attempting to increase comic sales? Yes. My inner eight year-old and twenty-something's dream come true? Yup.


Almost as thrilling as Richard Pryor teaming up with Superman. Almost.


Sexy Sarah and Straight Talk play "Gotcha" with Cutie Katie


"USA! USA! US-uh,A? The future leaders of the free world everybody. Um, yay?


Jack White & Alicia Keys ain't got nothing on a classy broad like Shirley Bassey

I'm not a big Keys or White fan, but holy moses is this bland, even by James Bond soundtrack standards.

Here's the master Shirley Bassey doing 007 the only way it should be done:


Sam Rockwell was still crazy in a sexy way even while doing improv with Margaret Cho in high school

Sam Rockwell, Margaret Cho and Aisha Tyler performing together as teenagers at the San Francsico School of Arts.



Kinda makes a person feel a little untalented, no?


Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sexy Sarah's Swimsuit Trumps Obama's Change Any Day

It's been hard to find a video of it that hasn't been deleted, but here it is- everyone's favorite Sexy Sarah soon-to-be-sexiest President of the United States rocking a super sexy swimsuit competition in the ever sexy year of 1984.

Enjoy it while it lasts:



Friday Night Lights Season 3 Print Ads Atone For Discouraging Promo

After releasing a "magical" promo that pretty much made no effort to attract new fans or appease the interest of hardcore fans, Direct TV's new print ads for the third season of Friday Night Lights thankfully remind us of the show's bread and butter:

Good looking real people in real situations constrained by the pressures of a world completely consumed by football.

Oh, and Minka Kelly makes us all think dirty thoughts about girls in church.

(All photos via ohnotheydidn't)



Tina Fey Sexifies Sexy Sarah...Again

If there was ever a reason to actually have our favorite Sexy Sarah Palin as President, Tina Fey may be it.


Saturday, September 27, 2008

No Man Can Eat 50 Eggs



Friday, September 26, 2008

Chris Rock Reminds Us He's Still F*cking Funny

As a kid who grew up listening to Born Suspect and Roll with the New every night in middle school, I am a bit biased, but his past few specials have been a bit underwhelming to say the least.

But seeing Chris Rock last night on Larry King Live was a nice reminder that when he's on, he's fucking on.

(Don't mind the weird :15 intro to each vid)



When life gives you lemons, make Repo! The Genetic Opera

We all know I love me some musicals, but even this Repo! The Genetic Opera scares me just a little:

Holy crap, Giles (Anthony Head) can really wail. And yes, Paris Hilton deserves to die of some violent strain of AIDSCancerTyphoidMaryPlague but Paris Hilton in a movie by the people that made Saw has to mean more of this:


I may just love this yet.


Thursday, September 25, 2008

Thursdays are Mondays disguised as Giada De Laurentis making me hungry and ashamed of my body all at once


...mmmmmmmmm... God, I hate you, your perfect body and your chocolate pizza that looks better than mine.



Diesel sells clothes, hypes parties with cartoon porn

I've always wanted a porn version of Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract"


I don't know about you, but I know I'm going.

M.I.A., N.E.R.D., other acronym based musicians, and the possibility of more Cool World porn...you've gotta love it.



Melody Gardot Makes Smiling Easy

Feel good inspirational stories don't work within the cynical world of snarky, sarcastic, self-absorbed bloggers. Nor do they have any business being even remotely within the same hemisphere of pretentious music criticism.

That being said, I like Melody Gardot. Not because she's cute (which she is), because her music's soothing and maybe better than expected (which it is), or because her "handicap story" has become a bigger selling point of reference than any of the aforementioned (which is the unavoidable angle all journalists have to touch on).

I like her because she is what she is. Not pop's Norah Jones, nor some quirky urban dweller pining for the days of yore in a basement of a dilapidated jazz club churning out Holiday and Simone retreads.

She is what she is. And we're all the better for it (Oh and she's cute, but I mean that in a purely respectful non-handicap-fetish-kind-of-way).

On Jools Holland:

Local Philly TV (with awkward "inspirational intro"):

Her grandmother's advice on how to win a man's heart by downing a McVittle cookie in one bite:



Satire Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Brilliance personified.




David Blaine disappoints by not dying...again

David Blaine takes his dive of death...attached to a bungee chord of balloons:

New Yorkers, how I love and miss thee.

He's a shitty showman, but sadly I think I would still bang him.


Sexy Sarah sexifies Cutie Katie

When the world beats you down, there's nothing like a little Sexy Sarah Palin to make you feel good about yourself:

See mean old leftist media? All she wants is some fairness, kindness, and time to be told what the answer should be to your question.


Thou shall not diss Letterman, even if you are the Straight Talk Presidential Express

Oh snap. No he didn't. Burn.

It's good to know we ladies aren't alone in feeling jaded by a last minute cancellation.


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Stop people from stealing your lunch by making it look like sh*t


If profanity laced Post-Its aren't enough to deter the grubby hands of hungry co-workers pilfering your sad lunch pouch, try the new Anti-Theft Lunch Bags:


Because no one should suffer the indignity of having their cold lunch consumed by someone else....even if it means spending every single workday of your life surviving a harrowing morning only to have a Ziploc version of Oscar the Grouch staring right back at you, while office onlookers point and giggle from a distance.



Jeremy Piven does theatre, reminds millions of hugged bitches about Serendipity

All the fun post-Emmy celeb cameos aside, hearing Emmanuelle Chiriqui say, "Not to sound like, uncouth, or anything," makes me feel almost smart for a day.

For good measure, arguably my favorite Piven performance in Serendipity as the really, really, really sensitive guy's best friend I once wished more men were like... until I actually dated one:

(jump to 5:00 and let the slobbering man love begin)


Revolutionary Road trailer

  • I like Kate Winslet
  • I love Lovely Leo
  • Stories about mundane suburbia and a dream deferred are sweet
  • This probably won't be as good as Little Children or American Beauty or maybe even Titanic
  • I will still probably watch this more than once
  • Somewhere, someone in the world is making an "I'll never let go" joke and should be violently assaulted for it
  • Leo makes me feel like a lady


Monday, September 22, 2008

Obama the Musical Vampire Slayer

I'm not as big musical lover as our own all your pink are belong to us, but the well executed premise and sharp production value behind the rock horror musical Barackula can't help but be admired:



2008 Primetime Emmy Awards Are a Friendly Gynecology Exam... From Edward Scissorhands


Sure, our favs 30 Rock, the Colbert Report and Mad Men won, but was it worth it? Was sitting through such an atomic atrocity for the eyes and ears really worth it?

I don't know. I'll get back to you when my eyes stop raping my brain out of anger.


Friday, September 19, 2008

Lego celebrates years of fun and ingenuity by becoming ugly celebrity whores


No thank you.


Friday Night Lights Season 3 Promo Makes Me Want to Watch Pushing Daisies


Um, okay?

It's probably going to be the last season (seeing as how there's no way in hell anyone will actually sign up for DirectTV just to watch a show they weren't watching on free network television to begin with) and I'm pretty sure the fact that it's airing on DirectTV before it airs on NBC pretty much kills all the anticipation by hardcore fans who'll find some way to ruin it for themselves.


So, yeah. Here's to one more season, before everyone goes off on their merry way, and Minka Kelly departs for an illustriously ill-fated Jennifer Love Hewitt-like film career..."Clear Eyes, Full Hearts...Can't Lose?"


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sexy Sarah is Rosie the Riveter, just with sexier glasses


See god-less liberals? She has Japanese glasses, ergo she's familiar with Japan, therefore...she has foreign policy experience.

Nuff said.


George gets God-Rolled

With Sexy Sarah, Obama, Hillary, and McCain getting all the pub, it seems Dubya's been flying under the radar on the viral relevance front.

Here's a fun little cover of John Lennon's "God" by the departing El Presidente:


Classin' it up with Pac-Man couture

Designer Giles Deacon's new Pac-Man collection is pretty sweet. And definitely far more interesting than anything floating by on a certain god-awful facsimile of a reality show.



Javier Bardem loves All That Jazz, impersonating John Travolta, and naked ladies

Hearing him talk about getting a "Boody Allen" script makes this lady purr...

Double yay.


Sexy Sarah lets her hair down, steals Hannity's heart

I'm not sure what she's saying (it's hard to pay attention to meaningless things like words) but damn she's foxy, and everyone's favorite American Sean Hannity can't help but happily nod his head and agree:

"I hafta, I have to move to Alaska. New York taxes are killing me," said Sean Hannity, smiling in agreement.

Super Sexy Special bonus: Sexy Sarah's Campaign for Mayor of Wasilla ads:

Just as sexy then as she is now.


Random Thoughts From a Random Guy #16: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From That Other Place

I do not work at Wedbush Morgan, but if there is one thing that I have learned it’s that one man’s opinion is usually just as good as the next man’s opinion. So, it turns out that the sexiest partnership since Brangelina is not going to take place after all.

Electronic Arts recently ended negotiations with Take-Two Interactive after considering financial presentations from Take Two’s management. It seems like playing hard to get is always situation specific.

This merger is in part a response to Activison’s merger with Vivendi, which gave them the leadership position in the MMO (massively multiplayer online) market with Vivendi’s flagship franchise World of Warcraft. Due to the financial stability and massive profits that successful MMOs generate, it is a space that everyone seeks to dominate. EA already has MMOs and Spore can easily be turned into an MMO, and if I’m not mistaken creator Will Wright plans to do so.

So, EA will be able to compete on the MMO front. Take-Two does not have any properties in this division, so this merger would not bolster that front. I do agree that Activision will have consistently strong gross profit margins and continue to be the darling of shareholders, but EA acquiring Take-Two would do virtually nothing to change this.

In a way, this is sort of reminds of when I went out with a woman (for legal reasons) I'll call Sonya. She was a great girl, but my friends kept razzing me because according to them, she was a D.U.F.F.

Okay, it wasn’t according to them; her duffness was virtually fact. When she did the standard chase after me routine, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Like every other guy, I don’t chase because I love the chase, I chase because I find the girl absolutely worthy of being chased.

Take-Two is Sonya. They didn’t realize that EA getting them wouldn’t really be a game changer. You can’t show off this acquisition to all your fancy industry friends.

Vivendi on the other hand was more like another woman I'll call Monica. She had the three b’s: beauty, booty and brains. The sense of pride that I got from walking down the street with her was indescribable. This is why when she didn’t return some of my calls and she showed up 20 minutes late for our first date, I just took my game to the next level.

The merger made Activision the talk of the town. Wall Street was pleased and Activision had basically sewn up the only gaping hole in their portfolio. Oh, and boy could she could dance. Did I mention that?

Whenever we went out she did this thing with her hips, and she had this come hither stare. Suffice to say she was worth chasing after. My being with her even helped me gain the admiration of both male and female colleagues. I got invited to places that I’d never be invited to otherwise.

I wonder who (someone I'll call) Tanya was like? She was a cute blond with a wicked sense of humor. We got along great and part of me actually had feelings for her. The thing was that she kept asking me out. I never saw myself as this close-minded jerk, but her asking me out made her a lot less attractive.

I couldn’t help but feel like I was in a Diane Lane movie, only I was playing the Diane Lane character. I guess Tanya was sort of like Codemasters. Every time their C.E.O. Rod Cousens is within ten feet of a mike, he makes a plea for some company to acquire Codemasters. It’s pathetic.

Like Tanya, Codemasters has a lot going for it. Don’t get me wrong. Codemasters would not boost the portfolios of an EA or Nintendo the way Vivendi boosted Activision’s, just like having Tanya on my arm wasn’t going to land me the same amount of admiration that having Monica on my arm would.

Before you start shaking you’re fists at me, allow me to make myself clear. Women are not companies that can be acquired after a few financial presentations.

I’m just saying that the way companies (especially videogame companies) interact with one another is frighteningly similar to the way men and women interact with one another.

As for Take-Two, they very well may be more determined than ever to be acquired. If you see them, tell them to stay away from that John Mayer guy. It always starts off well, but in the end, your body really isn’t a wonderland.


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Wednesdays are the Accused in my Monday Jodie Foster existence


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Marky Mark's Make My Video music video game made me feel like a woman

Click to enlarge (Via)

I loved Marky Mark. Loved, loved, loved him. He made me think naughty thoughts before I knew what those naughty thoughts actually were.

Marky Mark (or Mr. Wahlberg as I called him every night when I kissed my Calvin Klein poster before I went to sleep) was simple, straightforward and had all the traits I understood (at the time) that a girl should look for in a man:

  • Ability to fight evil punching bags mercilessly while still flexing
  • Ability to rap sort of like a black guy without actually being a black guy while still flexing
  • Ability to dance and punch evil parts of the air while still flexing
  • Ability to drop trou and masturbate in public while still flexing
And he had his own video game. Sorta.

The game pretty much made no sense, and sort of played like a crappy Windows music visualizer that played the same three songs over and over and over and...


Whatever. Marky Mark was and still is a sex god. The ten year-old inside of me will always love him for making me a woman (that is, before I discovered what my sister's back massager could really do) and the woman I am today continues to love him (and dream about possibly forcing him to father my illegitimate child at gunpoint).

Yay now. Thankfully he hasn't been forced to resort to embarassing himself like, well, this:

Wow that hurt.


Marley & Me makes me hate that I love dogs

I'm pretty sure my sisters and nieces are going to drag me to see this even after refusing their attempts to make me read this feel good true story that looks like a cross between Old Yeller and Beethoven, except with a slightly cuter dog and without the billowing blister of brilliance that is Charles Grodin.



Topanga is exactly like Joel McHale, except nothing like him


I like Danielle Fishel. I liked her on Boy Meets World as much as the next TGIF loving teeny bopper could. I really thought the name Topanga was kind of a cool name. And she used to date really date Ben Savage (Cory!) and Lance Bass (the gay one!); how could I not love her for that?

Then I saw this:

Haha hilarious...get it?

The Dish, is almost exactly like The Soup, only with Topanga instead of Joel McHale, and about fashion instead of television shows, and completely totally awful instead of something approximating comedy! See? Same difference.

I think liked her better when she was "before."


Monday, September 15, 2008

World's only 21 year-old virgin not recession proof

Totally beats losing it to that guy with the back acne on prom night for a corsage and some warm Bartles & Jaymes...


It's Not Racist If We Call It Satire, Right?


So if a liberal uppity magazine from New York decides to satirize the ignorant racism of conservatives it's okay, but if a pair good ole boys with a little sense of humor decide to market and profit from racial stereotypes and disturbing iconography dating back to hundreds of years of slavery, it's racist?

Gosh, gee willickers, they're only tryin' to make an honest livin' sellin' waffle mix with sum "satire," damn over sensitive God killin' liberals ain't got no sense of humor.




Sunday, September 14, 2008

Random Thoughts From a Random Guy #15: And a Sexy Sportscaster Shall Lead Them...

As the election draws near and the debate rages on about whether or not Sarah Palin has enough experience to assume the role of Commander-In-Chief, those on the conservative right are pointing to her experience as Ethics Commissioner of the Alaskan National Oil and Gas Conservation Committee, but what about her experience as a sportscaster?

It may sound crazy, but sportscasters have many skills that easily transfer over to leadership roles in politics.


Anyone who has seen SportsCenter and heard the various sportscasters recap a football game knows just how far their quantitative skills extend. If the quarterback goes ten for twenty then obviously the sportscaster knows that the quarterback threw for 50 percent.

But what about when the quarterback goes twelve for nineteen? I can’t do that math in my head, can you? Needless to say, sportscasting has given Sexy Sarah great quantitative skills that will help her better communicate with Chairman Bernanke.

Even though every red blooded American man has at one point or another debated over whether or not Rachel Nichols is hotter than Erin Andrews, Nichols and Andrews refuse to get involved in the debate. This points out a fundamental truth about sportscasters: they are above all else classy and professional.


We are going to need that type of diplomacy when, if elected, Palin has to go to Iran and try to deter them from continuing to enrich uranium. Sarah can also use her womanly charms to entice our favorite “crazy” leader who isn’t actually the leader, but it doesn’t matter because everyone fails to grasp that simple concept including the pseudo-leader himself.

We can’t afford to have a Vice President who will be confrontational with Ahmadinejad. We need someone who will say, “Hey, let’s be professional about all of this.” We need someone like Erin Andrews or Rachel Nichols.

Many people often compare football to war; if you are one of these people, then you will agree with me when I say that since Sarah understands the complexities of football, she will easily grasp the complexities of war.

When a general goes up to her to explain why the surge isn’t working, he will be able to use football analogies. The time he will save by not having to use cumbersome war lingo will speed up the process from when an order is discussed between the Pentagon and the White House, then relayed to the field. This will allow for a more efficient military.

Imagine having Obama as the president. He clearly doesn’t know anything about football. So, we can probably assume he knows very little about war. This means that he will probably leave the military strategy up to the military commanders and trust that they will make the right decision. Can we really afford to have military commanders making strategic military decisions?


I don’t think foreigners hate us because we levy terrible sanctions that cripple their economies, or because we use our military to set up spheres of influence around the world. I think people hate us because we don’t watch enough soccer and hockey.


Well wait till they get a load of Mrs. Palin! She is a self-described hockey mom who can probably discuss the brilliance of Sidney Crosby with just about anyone. I’m sure Moscow doesn’t want to talk about the recent snafu that they were involved with. However, they would welcome a debate on whether or not Sidney Crosby is the new Sergei Federov. This can be a gateway to more substantive talks with Moscow.

Neither Obama nor McCain have this diplomatic tool at their disposal. But a certain gun totin', procreatin', creationism believin', super sexy sportscaster sure does.


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