Sunday, September 14, 2008

Random Thoughts From a Random Guy #15: And a Sexy Sportscaster Shall Lead Them...

As the election draws near and the debate rages on about whether or not Sarah Palin has enough experience to assume the role of Commander-In-Chief, those on the conservative right are pointing to her experience as Ethics Commissioner of the Alaskan National Oil and Gas Conservation Committee, but what about her experience as a sportscaster?

It may sound crazy, but sportscasters have many skills that easily transfer over to leadership roles in politics.


Anyone who has seen SportsCenter and heard the various sportscasters recap a football game knows just how far their quantitative skills extend. If the quarterback goes ten for twenty then obviously the sportscaster knows that the quarterback threw for 50 percent.

But what about when the quarterback goes twelve for nineteen? I can’t do that math in my head, can you? Needless to say, sportscasting has given Sexy Sarah great quantitative skills that will help her better communicate with Chairman Bernanke.

Even though every red blooded American man has at one point or another debated over whether or not Rachel Nichols is hotter than Erin Andrews, Nichols and Andrews refuse to get involved in the debate. This points out a fundamental truth about sportscasters: they are above all else classy and professional.


We are going to need that type of diplomacy when, if elected, Palin has to go to Iran and try to deter them from continuing to enrich uranium. Sarah can also use her womanly charms to entice our favorite “crazy” leader who isn’t actually the leader, but it doesn’t matter because everyone fails to grasp that simple concept including the pseudo-leader himself.

We can’t afford to have a Vice President who will be confrontational with Ahmadinejad. We need someone who will say, “Hey, let’s be professional about all of this.” We need someone like Erin Andrews or Rachel Nichols.

Many people often compare football to war; if you are one of these people, then you will agree with me when I say that since Sarah understands the complexities of football, she will easily grasp the complexities of war.

When a general goes up to her to explain why the surge isn’t working, he will be able to use football analogies. The time he will save by not having to use cumbersome war lingo will speed up the process from when an order is discussed between the Pentagon and the White House, then relayed to the field. This will allow for a more efficient military.

Imagine having Obama as the president. He clearly doesn’t know anything about football. So, we can probably assume he knows very little about war. This means that he will probably leave the military strategy up to the military commanders and trust that they will make the right decision. Can we really afford to have military commanders making strategic military decisions?


I don’t think foreigners hate us because we levy terrible sanctions that cripple their economies, or because we use our military to set up spheres of influence around the world. I think people hate us because we don’t watch enough soccer and hockey.


Well wait till they get a load of Mrs. Palin! She is a self-described hockey mom who can probably discuss the brilliance of Sidney Crosby with just about anyone. I’m sure Moscow doesn’t want to talk about the recent snafu that they were involved with. However, they would welcome a debate on whether or not Sidney Crosby is the new Sergei Federov. This can be a gateway to more substantive talks with Moscow.

Neither Obama nor McCain have this diplomatic tool at their disposal. But a certain gun totin', procreatin', creationism believin', super sexy sportscaster sure does.

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