Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween for Haters


For those of you bitter, lonely, or emotionally scarred haters of Halloween, something to make you smile:

Remember Halloween dances...costume competitions...kissing the boy that looked really cute in the Ghostbusters jumpsuit...

...who dumped you because his parents wanted him to bring home a nice Jewish girl.



It's a Jem & the Holograms world and we're just living in it

What's the point of having nieces if you can't relive memories through them:

I'm taking you down Mr. Winner of the best Jem and the Holograms costume 2005-2007 (one of these years, I'm taking you drag queen bitches down)

And no, I'm not being slutty. I'm just making sure my niece doesn't feel left out.



The View makes me hate Halloween, Presidents, and being a woman


Baba Wawa as Washington, Whoopi as a pimped out FDR...

Sherri as a ridiculous lady Lincoln penny, Joy as Teddy Roosevelt...

and the one from Survivor who's now the spokesperson for all of Ronald Reagan. (Because Mount Rushmore's slave banging Thomas Jefferson obviously gets trumped by the second coming of the Messiah)


Officially just made me hate playing dress-up for like 5 minutes. God awful bitches.


Obama is, just cause, you know

I guess this is what they mean by "gotcha journalism":

The best defense is a, you know.


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Obama gets primetime bang for his buck


On one hand, this half hour infomercial puts Obama in the rarefied air of Ross Perot:

On the other, it will force average folk with no cable television alternative to watch Pushing Daises. Everyone wins! (Or maybe not. Maybe it'll backfire. I'm scared. Go America. Please.)

UPDATE: Obama's infomercial, sadly without a Perot voodoo stick:


Pro Proposition 8 video makes me want to get gay married, be racist, and practice infanticide

WTF. No, seriously. WTF.


I know it's not the kids fault, but holy shit seriously, WTF.

Who is this supposed to be appeal to? Conservative parents that like cute Asian kids? Is this some attempt from some Asian parents to get in good with their conservative White peeps, maybe in hopes of them letting the whole racist "I hate immigrants" thing slide, in favor of "let's hate gay people from trying to be legally allowed to be miserable in marriage like us"?


Cuba Gooding Jr. wants Lily Allen to know his shoe size

I know I'm late to the game in extrapolating the little joy that is Lily Allen and Friends, but I stumbled upon this and couldn't help but smile a bit:

A part of me thinks Cuba Gooding Jr. is the kind of guy who would bring up his shoe size while macking on a girl, then casually bring up his Oscar just to close the deal. And how adorable was Gavin & Stacey's James Corden? God love his chubby British cute self:

I'm not really into big guys, but seeing the belligerent Smithy turn out to be a nice guy is so adorable.


Next up, why Amy Winehouse desperately needs to be on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew (and why Dr. Drew needs to take his sexy celebrity whorish self and go away and never come back please) and why Adele totally needs to start some shit with Katy Perry.


Apropos of nothing I know, but whatever.


MTV Music finally gives us what we want...after YouTube, Yahoo, and most of the Internet beat them to it

Apparently if you ever wondered, "Where will I get my MTV music videos with TRL gone, MTV2 a 24 hour Rob & Big marathon, and every other MTV network seemingly rerunning Sex...with Mom and Dad ad nauseam?" The answer is MTV MUSIC.

Like Hulu, but for music videos. Here, the first videos I felt compelled to view while ignoring my office Outlook:

I have no idea why the monkey had to be shocked, and I vaguely remember a Pop Up video version of this, but for some reason whenever I think of Peter Gabriel, the first thing I think of is "Shock the Monkey." Yes, "Sledgehammer" is cooler, but whatever. I like monkeys. (Curious George is gold)

I loved this song when I was a little kid and when I found out what it was about, I still didn't really get it. (I was a slow kid, so sue me) Anyway, "bopping" is probably the cutest euphemism I've heard for solo love.

I had an aunt that used to cry every time this video came on, just because she dated some guy who did some studio production or something on the song. And no matter how sad it really seemed to make her feel, she'd refuse to change the channel when she was babysitting us and forced us to sit through it over and over. Now whenever I hear this song I get all anxious and uncomfortable. Incidentally, she requested this song at her wedding. The psycho.

My mom used to have a friend named Faye at work who would sometimes come by the house and bring her daughter Luanna to play with me. Luanna was sorta okay (though she did break my Duck Hunt shooter once, that bitch) but Faye would always be yelling about her boyfriend, or ex-husband, or some other guy every time she was over. Which was annoying. Because she came over a lot. Anyway, once while I was trying to sneak a cookie from the kitchen while the grown ups were in the living room, Faye barged in before I could get to the cupboard.

"You know whose responsible for making the world such a sad, shit place, Connie?"

"No." (Please I just want a cookie)

"Men. They're all just useless, awful malevolent creatures that suck out all of our goodness. Did you know that, Connie?"

"No." (I'm so close to crying it's not even funny)

"Don't be like me, Connie. Be better than me. Don't waste your time with men. They'll only lie to you and then trick you into falling for their lies again. You understand?"


"Okay. Wash up, I think your mom said you shouldn't ruin your appetite for dinner."


I dated a guy who was in a Radiohead cover band. They sucked ass. But boy, did his mom make some awesome cookies.


The Thrilla from that place that rhymes with "illa" (Not Wasilla, sadly)

I'm far from being a person of even remotely passable ethnic pride (as I've noted time and again), but it is sort of interesting to see my fellow island peeps getting some stateside visibility about something other than a fucking shoe lady or terrorist attacks.

That Manny Pacquiao happens to be widely regarded as the best pound for pound fighter today is pretty sweet. The fact that it's in a sport that's all but lost any semblance of mainstream respect or its once golden luster; not so much.

Below is an extended round table conversation about Pacquiao:

It's always fun when us Americans talk about some islands and some people from some weird places we've never heard of with a kind of muted, blind reverence- "He's like the Elvis/Beatles/Muhammad Ali of the [enter strange foreign land place here]!" Does that make Osama the New Kids on the Block of terrorists? Donnie Wahlberg would be so proud.


Thomas Haden Church is Joe Six Pack, survives Wings shadow

Not particularly funny or good, I know. Though it is interesting to see that in the aftermath of sitcom-y goodness that was Wings:
  • Thomas Haden Church became an Oscar nominated respected indie film actor/ Sandman in Spider-Man 3
  • Tony Shalhoub is a respected stage, screen, film actor, producer/mega Matlock-y successful Monk
  • Tim Daly is an Emmy nominated actor/voice of Superman/chickshit drama Private Practice hottie
  • Steven Weber became a star of failed made for TV Stephen King remakes and ineptly micromanaged Sorkin dramedy/liberal blogger/ still best remembered for having been blow-raped and stilletoed by Jennifer Jason Leigh
  • and Crystal Bernard...guest starred on one episode of According to Jim.

Don't worry Crystal Bernard, we still love you (in that 1992-I-love-snap-bracelets-kind-of-way).


Random Thoughts From a Random Guy #17: America Just Needs to Hug It Out, Bitch

(Editor's Note: The following thoughts, ideas, expressions, ramblings and jarringly outdated cultural references are those of our own rogue maverick, the Brown Cary Grant, and do not necessarily reflect those of SMFIH or its editorial staff. Just making sure.)

Simplification is in! Don’t understand the financial crisis? Ask Suze Orman. The NFL got you all confused? Well worry no longer my pretty little darling, John Madden will come to the rescue.

Simplification of complex topics is not just for salesmen and Dr. Phil anymore. Everyone does it. The reason everyone does is a little elusive. My best guess is that simplifying a topic allows the topic to be more accessible therefore more people can chime in, allowing for a more lively debate. That is the point right?

My cousin recently introduced me to a most fascinating television program: Entourage. The show follows a promising young actor named Vincent Chase and his three friends as they swim with the sharks so to speak in Hollywood. Vincent asks “E” his friend and former pizzeria manager to be his new manager. Not one avidly opposed to redundancy, he also gets a high powered Hollywood agent named Ari Gold to be his agent (It’s redundant because an agent is sort of like a manager; Yes, I’m simplifying again).

Anyway, where was I? The Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates have seemed to simplify the essence of their respective ideologies to the point where they sort of remind one of characters from Entourage. Here’s what I mean:

Sarah Palin: Sarah, like Vinny Chase as they call him, wears naiveté like it’s a badge of honor. The thing that makes them both dangerous is that they are both smarter than they appear. Mr. Chase pretends to not know how to navigate the waters of Hollywood because he doesn’t have the stomach for Tinseltown politics. Sarah pretends to be naïve because the good ole' boys that she was brought in to court would never vote for a woman who truly understood the intricacies of NAFTA. They both know how to get exactly what it is that they want without having to come off as crass or ruthless. I know you might say Palin does have a tendency to come off as less than congenial, but you are probably a bleeding heart liberal. Most of America just thinks she needs to stop winking at them.

Barack Obama: Mr. Obama reminds me of “E.” They both owe a lot to circumstance. Obama took advantage of Mark Penn’s less than stellar campaign strategy to full effect. “E” took advantage of Mr. Chase’s generosity and feelings of loyalty to full effect. However, in terms of talent and creativity, it can hardly be argued that “E” is not ready to become a major Hollywood player and that Senator Obama is not ready to become President Obama. Sure “E” will make some mistakes along the way. I’m also fairly certain that Obama’s health care plan may actually cause small business owners to think twice about hiring extra staff, depending on exactly how much they have to pay into that pool if they choose to not provide health insurance. However, this does very little to overshadow the egalitarian principles and old school work ethic that lie at the core of who these men truly are.

Joe Biden: If you are a fan of Entourage, this comparison shouldn’t be hard to grasp. If you occasionally watch Entourage, this shouldn’t be hard to grasp. If you’ve ever said “let’s hug it out bitch” to someone, this shouldn’t be too hard to grasp. Ari Gold says exactly what he wants, whenever he wants to say it. Mr. Biden does pretty much the same. Sure, he is responsible for the worst Obama-Kennedy comparison ever, but the Democrats knew what they were getting when they hired him. He’s a pit-bull. This is what makes him absolutely necessary. Someone has to deflect the attacks that come in from the Republican side, and a man who has based his entire candidacy on being the anti-politician isn’t allowed to do such things. (Of course the analogy has seemed to lose some of it’s accuracy because Ari plays pitbull for Mr. Chase, who in this analogy is Sarah Palin. The reason for the metaphorical mix up is because Obama has elements of Vincent Chase in his personality, but he is still primarily like “E”. Also, if “E” were an actor, he would need a pitbull of his own due to his non-confrontational nature, which we saw on full display during the filming of Medellin. So, the analogy is back on track, but you are welcome to debate me if you would like to do so [Editor's Note: No, no you don't have to].)

John McCain: McCain is like Drama because Drama shows glimmers of hope but still cannot hold a candle to Mr. Chase. That is all I have to say on that.

Now that is why Entourage is exactly like America. Now excuse me while I live vicariously through the idiotic manifestations of celebutante man-boy-children. And hug it out bitch.


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Whassup we can believe in

I think we all tired of this awful catchphrase years ago, but strangely enough, this new incarnation is surprisingly effective, if not poignant.


Monday, October 27, 2008

Zales Jewelers String Love

"Wow, that's dumb. He could have dropped the ring by accident and watched hundreds of dollars fall off a building, just cause he needed to be fancy."

"But it was so romantic."

"Yeah, but he could have dropped it. That would have been stupid."

"You have no sense of romance."

"Yeah, well that's why you're dating me, right?"



Cotten Emmerich Envy

For Halloween, I wanna go as Noah Emmerich going as Joseph Cotten.


Clint Eastwood kills Koreans with kindness... and a big, big gun

One man's "stealth Oscar contender" (-USA Today) is another's Korean War vet racist elderly Dirty Harry.

Gran Torino. So unintentionally hilarious it hurts.


Ricky Gervais & Thandie Newton lam-porn Palin

We may have taken a much needed break from Sexy Sarah, but it's hard not to like seeing the beloved Ricky Gervais and hot-to-trot Thandie Newton do a table read of Naylin' Paylin.

Interestingly, Newton's Sarah sounds a lot like her Condoleezza Rice. Not that that's a good thing.


Kobe rocks the Guitar Hero, Tom Cruise style

The post-rape trial Kobe-fication of the known world is all but complete. Kobe Bryant pimpin the Bob Seger in an homage to Tom Cruise's Risky Business? Okay.

And no, A-Rod. We still hate you.


Sunday, October 26, 2008

Don Draper still a disappointingly unfunny way


SMFIH readers know of my undying love for the nostalgic melodrama that is Mad Men, and of my customary unbreakable bromance with the dashing deity that is Don Draper/Jon Hamm.

So, on the rarest of occasions, I decided to forgo my usual drunken disheveled debauchery in favor of a nice, wholesome seat in front of the tube, in hopes of the seeing Hamm in all his sexy (though strictly platonically heterosexual) goodness on Saturday Night Live:

With cutie Elizabeth Moss (Whoo!), dapper John Slattery (Yippee!), Will Forte doing a fairly decent Pete Campbell / Vincent Kartheiser impersonation (Yay?), and a shitty retread of crappy skit overkill about the annoying "Assholes" in a wasted Mad Men skit that had so much potential? Ugh.

A "How to Pick Up Women Guide" by Don Draper. Yes. Hands down definitely the best part of the whole episode.

Ha. Butt and finger jokes. Ha. I think the eight year-old inside of me just shot myself in the face then rose from the dead and sodomized my skull with the television screen for even thinking about asking someone to pull my finger.

Oh and he did a pretty awesome James Mason (wasted in another shitty sketch), a decent JFK impersonation (again, wasted), a play on his name (Jon Hamm's John Ham for ham in the john. Get it? Ha ha, ugh) and Coldplay filled the void of shitty sketch writing with setting the record for most musical performances on an episode of SNL (this is probably not true, not that it matters).

My liver weeps for the damage it expects to suffer every Saturday. My eyes stab my brain out of revenge.

The End.


Manhattan Mini Storage Punditry



Friday, October 24, 2008

Willie Horton for President?

Overheard while waiting on a line in the post office:

"Who are you planning to vote for?"

"Who do you think? What, do I look like an idiot?"

"No, of course not."

"Exactly, there's no way I'd vote for some goddamn Willie Horton son of gun to run our country. The day I vote for a (looks around cautiously) 'you know,' is the day I give up being a human being."

November 4th. Yep, I'm scared.


Dark Knight gets un-reality checked by Superman

I liked the Dark Knight, but didn't looove it as much as most people did. It's probably why I enjoyed this so much:

Still loved me the Christian Bale though. Him and his chiseled bod and hilariously hoarse voice. Mmmmm.


The Future of Food, or why Japan will totally own us and I will let them cause they're cute

Japan's MAFF (Ministry of Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries) explains how food and the world works in computer animated form:


Efficient, simple, and cute, no? Somehow I think if our Ministry of Agriculture tried doing the same thing we'd have a video montage of rolling hills, fields, and lots of Hank Williams Jr. Or in my dreamiest of dreams, maybe something from Schoolhouse Rock:

It's funny. If this came out today, some people would say it was an attempt by liberals to "Mexicanize" our kids with beans and rice, furthering the illegal immigrant agenda.


Ah, polarizing political punditry, how we love you for destroying us all. Oh, and I heart Japan and its cuteness. Please don't imperialize me too badly. I love you.


D.L. Hughley Breaks the News, shows Chocolate News what 'topical' means

An African American news parody is definitely something I've thought we've needed for sometime, and while this clip from the forthcoming D.L. Hughley Breaks the News on CNN is mild at best, it's definitely more promising and news topical than the horribly disappointing and dated Chocolate News.

I like David Alan Grier, I really do. But as my boy Jay would say, "Ain't nobody gon wanna see yo ass in drag. Nobody." And Maya Angelou jokes, really? What is this, 1992?


Miles Remixed

The Apple Juice Kid Presents: Miles Remixed. Free download or stream album in it's entirety here.



Thursday, October 23, 2008

Bardem's sexy cry


Seems as good a time as any for a nice, long sexy cry.


Diary of the Unemployed

You know what's worse than getting let go? Having to stay at your place of employment for two weeks after they tell you of their decision. It's a situation I wouldn't wish upon any of my friends but some of my enemies. Being in the aforementioned predicament myself I have wrestled with several different emotions and have made one or two decision on how to spend my time during these last two weeks. I figured that since I'm already technically fired, I shouldn't be penalized if I do absolutely nothing productive for my last two weeks.

So today I spent my day looking for a job and helping a friend, who was also fired, find information on food stamps. Here is what I found out:

SNAP: Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program

Apparently someone, somewhere decided that the Food Stamp Program was too cold of a name for something as warm and delicious as government cheese. So on October 1st, 2008, the federal government stepped in and changed the name to SNAP and made me smile incessantly in the process.

Now for New Yorkers, the name has yet to get legislative approval, which is heart breaking, I know. Don't worry though, I'm sure it'll be resolved soon and all of your SNAP phrases will be put to good use.

I'm mentally saving the following soon to be internationally known catchphrase for the day when the SNAP name is approved for New York:

"OH SNAP! You got food stamps?!"

That catchphrase would do wonders for the program, I'm sure.


30 Rock Season 3 Advance Premiere

I was slow to warm to the show, but our editor-in-chief swears by it (I'm pretty sure he would give up his right arm or some other important appendage just to write for the show or do some improv thing with Tina Fey) and I gotta say, it is pretty damn sweet (Not sure about that borderline angry misogynist Baldwin though).

The Season Three premiere of 30 Rock:

Sadly, this still didn't make the day go faster. Damn it.


I miss Magic Eye

The cover of the new Animal Collective album, Merriweather Post Pavilion:

It looks like it's moving, but it's not actually moving. And I'm not stoned. Unless you are.

Oh look- there's fifteen minutes of work time down. Just a few more hours to go (Sigh).


Ron Howard gets the white vote out

Possibly more effective than the Great Schlep could ever be:

Come on people- it's Henry Winkler (Remember him? He was the Fonz!) and Andy Griffith! Andy fucking Griffith! Fucking Matlock! 

If Matlock could love Obama, he can't be that bad of a secret Muslim-terrorist-liberal can he?


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Good Dick

It begins with a look. It always begins with a look.

Boy meets at girl in video store. Boy attempts awkward conversation with reclusive girl about '70s erotica. Reclusive girl turns out to be sociopath. Boy stalks and forces himself into reclusive sociopath's life. Love ensues?

Love is blind, love is a cruel mistress, and in Good Dick, love is a callow exercise in emotional futility. Written, directed and starring Marianna Palka and longtime boyfriend Jason Ritter, Good Dick delves into indie film's favorite subject: the quirky, awkward, borderline perverse things we do to find love.

First time director Palka has a flair for showing the lonely emptiness of Los Angeles, and shows a genuine sense of chemistry with onscreen love Ritter. Yet despite somber moments of intimacy and the customary indie foray into kitsch involving romantic signage attached to appendages, Good Dick feels flat and underdeveloped, forgoing fully fleshed out characters in favor of long stares and moments of isolation.

Ritter is a charming onscreen presence that makes his character's boundless optimism endearing, but also makes it difficult to comprehend the punishment he continues to endure pursuing Palka's damaged recluse. Palka to her credit, writes scenes of beautiful intimacy, but undermines attempts at subtlety with an uneven performance. We understand that her recluse has an emotionally damaged past; we don't understand why she's so maddeningly inconsistent with Ritter's nameless optimist.

At the core of Good Dick's shortcomings is it's over-reliance on emotional conjecture. Ritter's cloudy past is alluded to with an after school special formality, while Palka's emotional damage appears to be derived from a caricature of a rich, creepy, abusive daddy (flatly played by Tom Arnold) that is forced, and not genuinely earned.

For a first feature, Palka does a more than adequate job establishing a nice tone and feel for Good Dick. As a performer, her lapses into melodrama outweigh the emotional veracity of her eyes, and the natural beauty she belies. Ritter is a stabilizing center for the film, and a welcome film presence that can only get better with age.

It always begins with a look. But sometimes, we need more than that.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Surprisingly pleasant Tuesdays are like lunar eclipses, and Mondays that aren't evil


  • Maybe it's cause it's the first stress-free Tuesday I've had in a long while.
  • Maybe it's cause my boss being out allowed us all to shoot the shit for a day.
  • Or maybe it's coming to grips with an appreciation for the true meaning of my existential existence within the greater fabric of our universe as a whole, as we're hurtling towards an eventual cataclysmic destruction that will end our empty wanton wasted materialistic existences in favor of a new beginning devoid of petty human contrivance.

Probably the second thing.


89 year-olds get arrested in Real America

When I grow up, I wanna be an 89 year-old nana arrested for not returning a ball to some kid who keeps throwing his shit into my yard:

Oooo, and I want cats. Lots and lots of cats. Like 130 of 'em:

(End fantasy.)


Turn that frown upside ow

An old friend of mine randomly mailed me a package of these:


The Beauty Smile Trainer. Of all the things I could be made to feel insecure about, I didn't realize my smile could be one of them. I was wrong. Bitch.


Now...a break in the sexiness

I, like many of you, may be sick of the Sarah Palin coverage we've been inundated by and would like nothing better than to never have to talk about her again. And yes, I know we here at SMFIH are just as guilty as most for exploiting and parodying this "Sexy Sarah" ad nauseam for entertainment value, but underscoring the frightening reality her political prominence holds for all people, especially women in this country.

So for a break in the absurdity of this anti-feminist female, here's a serious, heartfelt message:


(We now resume our regularly scheduled tomfoolery)


A rose is still a rose, unless it's a slutty rose

(Via by way of )



Afternoon night cap


"Hey, you should come join us for lunch."

"Thanks, but I think I'll stay in."

"It's pretty nice outside, and Sherri's been raving about this new bistro that opened a few blocks down."

"Sounds good, but I'll pass."

"You sure? It's been a while since you've come out with us. We really miss you."

"It's fine. I have some work to take care of."

"It'll just be a short lunch."

"No, seriously, I can't afford to take time out today, but thank you anyway."

"I'll cover you if need be."

"Thank you, but no thanks. Maybe another time."

"It's been a while since-"

"Look, I'm trying to be polite here. I have my lunch (Pulls out brown paper bag with Stoli bottle sticking out) now please leave me be."

"Okay, but if you need to talk to someone-"

"Thanks, but fuck you."


Man Junk teaches men how to clean know

Finally, a product for the man in your life who just can't seem to keep his ahem, junk clean...

In a world full of generic body washes, Man Junk Intimate Wash stands out. Made by men for men, our unique formula addresses the specific needs of the male anatomy. Cleansing, refreshing, and one hell of a confidence booster - what are you waiting for? (Via)

A special soap for that area is kinda ridiculous, but in my experience, for some men it couldn't hurt to be be extra cautious about maintenance down there- am I right my ladies? (crickets on stage) We don't want no funky junk, am I right? (awkward high five left hanging in the air) Hello? Is this on? (flashing red stage light)


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