Tuesday, December 30, 2008

[Enter bad butter joke here]

(Via)

Nothing says "Happy Holidays from Hulu" quite like a great Marlon Brando film involving the odd use of fingers and butter. Last Tango in Paris is definitely one of the best in Brando and Bertolucci's pantheon and that Maria Schneider wasn't too bad herself.



Yum (But in a totally innocent non-suggestive yum-kind of way).

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All I wanted for Christmas was a blanket... with sleeves!


Why settle for a boring old sweater or a crotchety blanket when you can wear something that keeps you warm doesn't slip off and is simply an awkwardly placed cowl or mask away from being socially reprehensible?

Try the Snuggie, the only surefire way of making the neighbors think you might be one of them weird "witchcrafty" type of people, or just a retired Klansman!


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Monday, December 29, 2008

The Times of Harvey Milk


Great documentary from 1984 that inspired and in some respects outshines Van Sant's Milk. Now streaming free on Hulu.


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Thursday, December 25, 2008

Things to Do Other Than Kill Yourself: Christmas Edition


Normally there would be a nice list of films, live performances, charitable events and other alcohol induced suggestions to get you through the misery that can be the holidays.

But as many of us know full well, it's been a rough year folks, and in preparation for the onslaught of lists that will litter the remaining days of SMFIH's '08, I've decided to scale back this day and just focus on the positive (gasp!) or at least what passes for seemingly positive in my book.

So in a drastic break from our normally 'dark snark' programming, some lightness:


Cute French kid: If I live to see the day of possibly fathering offspring, I will totally have that kid learn French right out of the womb. Those of you who think I'm being unpatriotic or don't think this kid is adorable should go end it all. Right now.



Christmas karaoke: This isn't necessarily sweet or funny, but probably more borderline mean spirited. Yet for those of us tomorrow venturing forth into the world of ESL karaoke lovers, you feel me. Ugh.


This old Batman panel:
Pretty self-explanatory



The Barefoot Contessa: Humphrey Bogart, a still-married-to-Sinatra Ava Gardner at the height of her powers...and free on Hulu for a few more days. Yes, please.

(Via)

Hope: The sky is falling, as seemingly everyone's losing their jobs, their faith, their shit. And it's hard to avoid debates about personal politics when the specter of style over substance (or washboard abs over grizzled seniority) enters the public discourse. But now more than ever in recent history, has the idea of change been so tangible and ever so necessary.



Bert and Ernie "Ante Up": It's pure joy like this that makes the Internet completely worth it.


Life didn't get any much easier this year, and in light of the harrowing state of possibility and stability, this life-long pessimist will end (just this once) on a hopeful note. Drink, be merry. You've earned it.

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Random Thoughts from a Random Guy's Most Overrated and Underrated of 2008

(Editor's Note: Every so often, a strange e-mail pops up in SMFIH's inbox. And try as we might, not matter how much we worry about possible viruses, Nigerian princes and other spam, we can't help but open it or explain the inexplicable grip it has on us. Like a recovering alcoholic who just knows they're going to definitely regret and pay for it, we just can't seem to help ourselves. So once again, here's our resident old man/"life expert" the Brown Cary Grant extolling the virtues of what exactly we're not sure of. Oh, and they don't necessarily reflect or represent the ideas of SMFIH's staff. So there. But yeah, we're confused too. And enjoy.)


Lions and tigers and lists, oh my! It’s that time of the year again. Sit back, relax and enjoy the show. I, the Brown Cary Grant have come to give you my list of the Most Overrated and Underrated things of 2008. It was tough narrowing the list down; there were so many things that got way too much or way too little attention. So I just picked the things that annoyed me or delighted me the most. I hope you enjoy reading this list as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Underrated:


Gypsy Skirts: Oh women, I know fashion must be constantly evolving with the cultural zeitgeist and all that bullshit, but why must the gypsy skirts go? 2005 was a terrific year for me. Every time I walked outside of my apartment to grab a paper and get my daily caffeine fix, I was greeted by a parade of women in gypsy skirts. The best thing about gypsy skirts is that it gives even the dullest, most repulsive women a bit of flair.

Overrated:


Wearing a shirt and passing it off as a dress: As Britney’s assistant said to Britney, “You are not Sarah Jessica Parker!” And seriously, why would you want to be?

Underrated:


Graham Harrell: I can’t keep track of my two nephews when they come over to wreak havoc on my otherwise tranquil existence. This man has to keep track of five receivers in one of the most complex, intricate and constantly evolving offenses I have ever seen. Oh, and by the way, not one of his receivers is likely to be a first round draft pick- not even Crabtree.

Overrated:


Mark Sanchez: Hey, he lives in L.A., dates gorgeous women, and will probably be playing on Sundays; if someone has to be a sacrificial lamb for this list, it’s gonna be this guy.

Underrated:


Dating a writer: Most of my writer friends are bat-shit crazy, but there’s never a dull moment, and there’s something to be said for that.

Overrated:

(Ed. Note: We were confused too, but apparently ex-model Martha Stewart was also a stockbroker. So there.)

Dating a stockbroker: My friend George is probably the only decent broker I know. When I asked him if that means that I just don’t know enough stockbrokers he looked at me and laughed. He also cites the guys at work as the reason that he has a flask and a bottle of Patron in his car. Ladies, it’s just not worth it.

Underrated:


Dating a bohemian chick: At first I was reluctant, but then I realized that bohemian chicks can be kind of hot. They are also lower maintenance than the average woman. Going out to dinner with them is the best part. You get there and... they are already there! Unlike most women (who show up to dinner late) bohemian chicks show up early! Halfway through dinner and you’re like, "All this intellectually stimulating conversation and punctuality is making me horny." Go bohemian chicks!

Overrated:


Dating a daddy’s girl: Some of them can be real pretty, but they’re just too high maintenance. They expect you to be perfect, and that’s just too much pressure. Trust me guys, it’s just not worth it.

Underrated:


Zooey Deschanel: Oh Zooey, with your over sized yet hypnotically beautiful eyes, your flawless porcelain skin, your lively and mischievous nature- you are an amazing woman. I understand that you must take commercial film roles so that you can build collateral, which will allow you to make some more meaningful films like All the Real Girls, but your commercial ventures do not have to be bad. Johnny Depp has made selling out without ever really selling out his calling card. You should too. I don’t want you to be too picky about the roles you choose, because you are one of the few young Hollywood starlets that I enjoy seeing, but an actress of your caliber should not be in movies that make people want to throw their concession stand purchases at the screen.

Overrated:

(Via)

Emily Deschanel: I know that some of you may find this pick mean and unjustified, but in any group of guys you will find at least one that thinks Emily Deschanel is a hotter actress than her sister Zooey, and that is one too many.

Underrated:

(Via)

Addressing people in relationships by their individual names: They are separate individuals that happen to be in a relationship together. A relationship shouldn't completely define you. Unless you happen to be married to Carla Bruni.

Overrated:


Portmanteaus: I know I'm repeating myself, but please no more Brangelina, TomKat, Bennifer and other awful combination of a friend's name and his girlfriend. Their names are Josh and Marissa, not Jarissa.

Underrated:

(Via)

Video Games: If there’s anything that Fallout 3 and GTA 4 have shown us, it’s that, when done properly, video games can be every bit as awe-inspiring and transcending as movies. So, are there still condescending articles in magazines like the New Yorker about video games? All I know is that I’d rather spend $50 bucks on a game that keeps me entertained for 50 plus hours, than spend $12.95 to see a ninety minute movie that only leaves me mildly entertained. I’m not bashing cinema, I’m just saying that it’s ugly little sister has turned into a hot Maxim centerfold, and it’s time to show some respect.

Overrated:


Every single rock band after 1991: There are people more qualified than I to explain this one to you. You can find them in any music retailer that still sells vinyl. Find them, grab them, and then ask them. Oh and check out this new band Kasabian; you'll thank me later (Ed. Note: Oh yes, we will).

And Happy Holidays.

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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Slumdog Thousandaires



For baseball purists and fans it's hard not to scratch your head at the prospect of Indian reality show contestants who've never played baseball in their lives playing in the majors. But for long suffering Pirates fans: finally, a reason to actually sit through an entire game...maybe?

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Monday, December 22, 2008

Thou shall not be a middle aged Florida woman who has pre-marital sex or Jesus will totally hate you for it


(Via)

Now I know all the naysayers and true blue believers will say, "Oh she's just trying to get attention and intentionally defaming the Good Word" and usually I'd err on the side of caution, but what exactly would she have to gain from this? Of course no one wants their personal sins aired out in public, but what the hell is this Christ approved punishment supposed to actually do?

"Okay people, don't forget: God will hate you if you don't do your naughty business within the confines of marriage, even if you're lonely and 49 years old and supposedly mature enough to make adult decisions."

In other words.... this is okay because it was done while married:


But this one, not so much?:


As a person who usually defends the spirit, sentiment and sense of community religion provides it's hard not to say, "WTF people?! WTF?!"

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Fake Thundercats Movie Trailer is Vin Diesel's best work since that one with the guns and the grunting and the babies

(Via)

A fake Thundercats live action movie trailer that's only awful because it's so plausible, and also maybe because of how unnerving it is to think of how much time was put into it. Vin Diesel, Brad Pitt, Hugh Jackman, that grating computerized Garfield as that grating animated Snarf and what appears to be our beloved Helena Bonham Carter as Cheetarah:



Um, thank you Internet? (Via by way of)


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Thursday, December 18, 2008

I wanna go on Tilt-A-Whirl till I hurl


natalie portman's shaved head - sophisticated side ponytail

Natalie Portman's Shaved Head. A little too cute for their own good I know, but there's something to be said for pretentious earnestness. What that something is I'm not sure.

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"Boys will be boys. And even that wouldn't matter if only we could prevent girls from being girls."~ Anne Frank

Photobucket
(Via)

Word.

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JC Penney strikes the fear of the doghouse in the hearts of male shoppers



Haha, get it? Cause men are ignorant and sexist and really need to be put in the doghouse! And we ladies just want jewelry to validate our existence because we're incapable of taking a relationship/marriage seriously without the presence of blood soaked diamonds, right?

Haha...ugh.

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Our Lady of Nekkidness: It's not your father's Playboy (if your father wasn't the only person that still read Playboy)

(Via)

Yes Mexican Playboy, there's nothing like channeling the image of religious iconography and the mother of the most famous person ever to be crucified that really gets the blood flowing.



And apropos of nothing and everything remotely concerning Mexico- oh Merry Christmas, Lou Dobbs. You've earned it.

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Paul Rudd makes me secure in my masculinity


The new trailer for the Apatow-less Apatowian, Paul Rudd/Jason Segel/Rashida Jones starring, Aziz and Huebel cameo-ing, possibly (hopefully) last tolerable reference to and utterance of the evil that is "bromance," I Love You, Man:



Not too sure if we're in love with a less snarky, almost needy Paul Rudd. But sappy Paul Rudd beats no Paul Rudd any day.

Now in lieu of the yet to be revealed movie poster, a manly montage of Paul Rudd sluttin' his slutty man self up (as I am contractually obligated to appease the female half of SMFIH):


(Via)




Fin.

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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Flight of the Conchords Season 2 Online Premiere makes not committing suicide today totally worth it

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The recession hits Sasha Fierce hard

Photobucket

"Only 5 for a dollar? Hellooo!"



Photobucket

"I could have sworn the Häagen-Dazs was half off. Sweet dream turned into a beautiful (but expensive) nightmare..."


(All pics via)

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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Tuesdays are Mondays being double parked in a fire zone with less than 10 days till Christmas and none of your shopping started




Shopping = Yay

Christmas = Double yay

Shopping + Christmas = #$^&#@*&%^$#@#%^&*!!!!

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Nothing says "I love you cause no one else ever will" like a Nintendo DS marriage proposal


(Via by way of)

See Mister? Maybe all you need is a little more gamer geek and less comedy geekery in your life.

Maybe you could just try a dating service:



And find the right septuagenarian to warm the cockles of your empty heart. Gaming it is.

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Stella makes Christmas come early



I know Stella isn't for everyone. I know not everyone thinks they're as fucking hilarious as their fans or they themselves think they are. And no, I don't think that breaking up with someone just because she thinks Stella sucks is not a valid reason to end a relationship. Because it is.

"You seem like a nice guy, but you're shoving your Jewishness in my face with that name."


Fuck you, they're hilarious (clutches bottle of Stoli and Stella DVD to chest alone in vacant shell that is relationshiplessness).

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Wolverine: Origins trailer



Hugh Jackman is (mmmm), that hot guy from Friday Night Lights is Gambit (yay!) and will.i.am is.....ugh.

Yeah, I'm uh, really excited, um, I think.

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Sunday, December 14, 2008

Zach Galifianakis + Jon Hamm = Yes



Um...yum, yum, and yum?

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Gratuitously shameless objectification of people with questionable talent #1

(Via)






Oh Jessica Alba, how I'll never get that hour and a half wasted on Good Luck Chuck back ever again.

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I love Amy Poehler so much that I'll endure a bad David Patterson joke



So sad...and so tasteless all at the same time. Yay Amy. No yay to off color blind joke.

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Friday, December 12, 2008

Sugar Daddy for Me & Ashley Madison make life that much less worth it


(Via)

Sugar Daddy For Me may be lecherous, disgusting, skeevy and all-around shameless, but you can't fault them for providing a much needed service: connecting horrible human beings with other horrible human beings.



On the other hand, Ashley Madison isn't selling adultery, merely providing people a new perspective on the limited opportunities life provides us er, just men. I mean, who wants to get stuck in a boring marriage with someone who's just going to grow old, ugly and un-fuckable?

Thank you, Sugar Daddy and Ashley Madison, for making life (and the ability to sort out which groups of people to direct my vaginal vigilante violence towards) that much easier.

Erg.

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Orgasmic Birth: Stretching out your lady parts beats using a Pocket Rocket any day

(Via)

Apparently baby-making is more than just watching your lady parts stretch into painfully awful contortions that make you hate men and their evil penises for filling you up with their evilness just for the sake of spawn that will grow up to hate you as you watch your best sexin' years dwindle into nothingness. It totally makes you have um, labor orgasms?



The documentary Orgasmic Birth is a "joyous, sensuous and revolutionary" journey into exploring the wonderfully galvanizing, spiritual, and sensual experience of bringing life into this world. In other words, the Miracle of Life and yo Momma, and every other film, person, book, thing you've ever seen that shows pushing out another human being through your once tight, lusted after vajayjay was a crock of shit. We should all enjoy our bodies, enjoy our experiences, and moan like we've never moaned before.

Kinda takes all the fun out of innate childbirth guilt:

"But mom..."

"Don't 'but mom' me. I went through 36 hours of labor with you..."

"Oh, hush now honey. Your mother were cumming so loud the doctor was embarrassed to..."

"What?! No! (sound of childhood dying)"

Oooo, and if you act now, you can "Share Orgasmic Birth with your friends and family this holiday season with our special 5 pack of DVD’s and CD soundtrack and SAVE. BUY NOW!"

Cause there's nothing in this recession addled holiday season your friends and family want to watch more than seeing women orgasming while pushing out bloody, slimey fetuses through their equally disdainful hoohahs. Merry Christmas! Oops, I came a bloody baby!

Um...yeah, I think I'll stick to my lonely alcohol infused nights of random sex and chronic metallic masturbation, thank you very much.

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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Bettie Page R.I.P.


April 22, 1923 - December 11, 2008

""With deep personal sadness I must announce that my dear friend and client Bettie Page passed away at 6:41pm PST this evening in a Los Angles hospital. She died peacefully but had never regained consciousness after suffering a heart attack nine days ago.

She captured the imagination of a generation of men and women with her free spirit and unabashed sensuality. She is the embodiment of beauty."

(via)


...and a nation of admirers and mimics mourn the death of their queen.

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