Friday, December 12, 2008

Orgasmic Birth: Stretching out your lady parts beats using a Pocket Rocket any day


Apparently baby-making is more than just watching your lady parts stretch into painfully awful contortions that make you hate men and their evil penises for filling you up with their evilness just for the sake of spawn that will grow up to hate you as you watch your best sexin' years dwindle into nothingness. It totally makes you have um, labor orgasms?

The documentary Orgasmic Birth is a "joyous, sensuous and revolutionary" journey into exploring the wonderfully galvanizing, spiritual, and sensual experience of bringing life into this world. In other words, the Miracle of Life and yo Momma, and every other film, person, book, thing you've ever seen that shows pushing out another human being through your once tight, lusted after vajayjay was a crock of shit. We should all enjoy our bodies, enjoy our experiences, and moan like we've never moaned before.

Kinda takes all the fun out of innate childbirth guilt:

"But mom..."

"Don't 'but mom' me. I went through 36 hours of labor with you..."

"Oh, hush now honey. Your mother were cumming so loud the doctor was embarrassed to..."

"What?! No! (sound of childhood dying)"

Oooo, and if you act now, you can "Share Orgasmic Birth with your friends and family this holiday season with our special 5 pack of DVD’s and CD soundtrack and SAVE. BUY NOW!"

Cause there's nothing in this recession addled holiday season your friends and family want to watch more than seeing women orgasming while pushing out bloody, slimey fetuses through their equally disdainful hoohahs. Merry Christmas! Oops, I came a bloody baby!

Um...yeah, I think I'll stick to my lonely alcohol infused nights of random sex and chronic metallic masturbation, thank you very much.

0 painful displays of affection:

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