Friday, January 30, 2009
We may supposedly be in a "post-racial world" and you may have memorized this whole routine...
...backwards and forwards, but no, you are not allowed to slip "the Itis" into your water cooler vernacular. Not ever. In public. Or without Tracy Morgan's permission. At least.
It's hard to not painfully cringe at his current forays into paycheck film crap-itude, but when Steve Martin is on, there are few that can touch him in pure unadulterated fun.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
...They seldom rise from the toilet the same woman they appeared when they began to dress."~Joseph Addison
I'm not mad the seat was left up. It's the falling in part I've never been such a big fan of.
Not including babies. Cute talking babies are always hilarious!
Enter Jim Beam's "The Remake" Video Contest, where bourbon aficionados may partake in the fine art of crafting fun, blatantly stupid ads built upon the ideal male fantasy of female subservience. Boobs are awesome, especially when paired with other boobs, or boobs that can't really speak English but really prefer using their vocal chords for anything other than actual conversation.
Yet seeing this lamebrain Jim Beam contest and hearing about amazing "one second" commercials or ads intentionally made for the sole purpose of being banned as a means of creating faux-controversy/curiosity, it's hard to not wonder about the equivalent of advertising's Christmas Day.
Super Bowl ads have been a time honored tradition of completely and totally devaluing our entertainment sensibilities for the lowest common denominator for the sole pursuit of empty materialistic happiness. And that's the way we've always liked it.
But in an age where everything goes viral almost instantaneously, can ridiculously expensive commercials premiering at a specific time and date really compete with the immediacy of the Internet? Does the bottom line of companies really increase with millions of eyes watching ads on one night as opposed to the cheaper and longer lasting viral existence that lays before it?
"One Second High Life"
Am I just making way too big a deal out of something instead of enjoying mindless sexy hot boob action because I have yet to fully wake up and have my morning coffee? Is it possible to ponder too many incoherent thoughts at once at such an early hour? Can a person really end every statement with a question mark? Probably?
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Vampires are sexy. They're immortally virile, conspicuously naughty, and inherently sensual. I get it. So letting my niece (who's read all the Stephanie Meyer books) watch my VHS copy of Interview with a Vampire seemed like a good idea. My bad.
Looks like someone's auntie is going to have to take them to a Twilight convention. Sigh.
This Internet thing will totally blow your mind (unless you are looking for porn, or are a robot, or are a porn robot)
All lectures sound more interesting with the aid of slick animation. Though a part of me is still holding out for the glitzy Saul Bass remix.
After having slept on Nellie McKay's LP Obligatory Villagers from last year, rediscovering the record has been an unexpected surprise, as it's hard not to somehow fall in love with her satirically smart, jazz infused songs that can be at times maddeningly inconsistent but almost always interesting. As a devotee of the Church of Tom Waits, it's fun to see a somewhat unconventional personality with an old show business sense of grandeur coupled with a willingness to take funny risks off the beaten path.
For a taste of this dashing dame's style here's the always fun "Mother of Pearl" and the lovely lullaby light "If I Had You":
And an adorably entertaining interview and performance on the Sound of Young of America:
The Office porn parody proves Ricky Gervais's genius transcends all cultures, including poorly lit, surgically enhanced ones
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Repressed memory: a significant memory, usually of a traumatic nature that has become unavailable for recall; memories that have been dissociated from awarenessI have all the words to "House at Pooh Corner" memorized. Memorized. And I don't know why. I never owned the album. Never really grew up loving that particular Kenny Loggins song or had any compulsory school/church/family function that would have necessitated me knowing every single word in this song.
And yet every time I hear it, a stern grip takes hold of my insides and I'm incapacitated. Not out of fear or pain or nostalgia. Just frozen. I don't even particularly like the song, but for some reason it has a hold on me. And it's frightening.
Maybe my folks left Lite FM blaring next to my crib one too many times. Maybe it's just a cute little song that causes this involuntary physical reaction for no real reason.
Yet maybe one day, just like the Bangles' "Eternal Flame," memories of a horrifically traumatic childhood experience will explode to the forefront, causing the frightening image of family members interacting in a way no four year-old should ever be privy to seeing. Ever.
Monday, January 26, 2009
After giving some love a to Kurt Kuenne's fables, it seems like another round of heartfelt shorts would be nice way to start the week off right. On deck is up and coming filmmaker Ted Chung, whose beautifully shot and fluidly produced short films often seem to echo a tinge of earnest yearning for connection and wonder.
All running under six minutes or less, here's a nice ease into Monday, an excuse to sip that first cup of coffee a little slower and maybe take a few seconds longer looking at that inbox:
Friday, January 23, 2009
And yup, I'm pretty sure Tracy Morgan is the only male celebrity I've ever truly hoped has his genitalia affixed with a tattoo commemorating his girth and love for Stove Top turkey stuffing.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
In a misbegotten attempt at something approximating coherence, yours truly and a slightly medicated Ms. Pink breakdown this year's Academy Award hopefuls and alsorans. Enjoy. I think.
Ms. Pink: So this was a mistake
MacGuffin: The nominees?
Ms. Pink: No, going drinking down the valley till 4am and forgetting that we planned to do this this morning
MacGuffin: Don't worry, we'll get through this
Ms. Pink: Maybe you will. My body has a tendency to not like operating before 10am
MacGuffin: Okay, so let's get to it...Apparently the Oscars really doesn't want anyone to watch them this year, not just Joe the Moviegoer but even the hardcore film heads
Ms. Pink: Yeah, but you could say that they've been doing this for years. The biggest cliche is the Academy is made of some old croaks who still masturbate to their autographed picture of Kim Novak and the cryogenically frozen head of George Cukor
MacGuffin: But usually it's either one extreme or the other. Something alienating average folks and critically adored like No Country for Old Men, or frat house poster fodder like Gladiator
Ms. Pink: Whatever, Crash was terrible. I know they didn't want to give it to a gay cowboy movie, but Crash? It was like some horrible afterschool special on racism by white people who think showing ignorant racism makes them special for how socially aware they are, instead of how ridiculously over the top the whole thing was. 'Look! Racism is bad! Let me show you by being really fucking racist!'
MacGuffin: I just love the idea of thousands of people renting/Netflixing Crash hoping to see their beloved Brendan Fraser and Sandra Bullock getting all racist and instead seeing James Spader getting all autoerotic with Casey Jones from Ninja Turtles
Ms. Pink: Because of Cronenberg, every time I rubberneck a car crash, a part of me keeps thinking someone was just trying to get off. Cause that makes total sense, that a minivan full of soccer moms covered in blood and Yoo-hoo totally just wanted to get their moan on
MacGuffin: Back to the nominees...lead actor category isn't too bad I guess. Except for maybe Pitt, whose "acting" was more like "blank stare peppered with great special effects and makeup"
Ms. Pink: Whatever, they need someone pretty for us girly girls to root for. Who are we supposed to get all sexy for, Richard Jenkins?
MacGuffin: Hey, Jenkins was pretty damn good in The Visitor
Ms. Pink: ...aka "the movie that no one will watch but will say hey, good for you old guy actor!"
MacGuffin: ...aka this year's Hal Holbrook
Ms. Pink: Yeah, anyway you know they totally nominated him and Jolie just cause they were worried Brangelina wouldn't show up. Like they worried that if they didn't nominate them both, they might pull a no show and try adopting their own Malia and Sasha
MacGuffin: Your gal pal Winslet only got the one nod
Ms. Pink: And for The Reader?! It was okay, but it was so heavy handed, it was like "hey we've got Nazis, the guy from English Patient, and Kate Winslet all natural breast-like"
MacGuffin: All I know is I am pissed, PISSED about Sally Hawkins not getting a nod. I know Happy-Go-Lucky was British and small, and not mainstreamy, but after Marion Cotillard last year, there seemed like so much hope
Ms. Pink: They filled their "unknown no one will care about quota" with the Melissa Leo nod
MacGuffin: Leo was good, but Sally Hawkins was great. And British. And cute. And great.
Ms. Pink: You and your lovely lasses love...how about supporting actor: RDJ for Tropic Thunder?
MacGuffin: I love me some Robert Downey Jr. Loooovvvve me some RDJ, but this feels forced. It sounds like this was the nomination old people threw in there to make themselves sound hip to the game. Haha, look kids we get the joke, we think blackface is funny too! And maybe a part of them thinks they covered their minority nominee quota by nominating an American playing and Australian playing an African American
Ms. Pink: It doesn't matter anyway, since they'll have the pre-planned Christopher Nolan speech and Ledger film montage tribute all ready and prepared
MacGuffin: I'm just happy Brolin got the nod. Can you say gratuitous Diane Lane closeups? Yessirup
Ms. Pink: Supporting Actress category makes me sad. It's become the default, "let's throw in all the minorities here" section. Poor Davis and Henson cancel each other out. Cruz was fun but I think Salma Hayek can make anyone or anything look worse just by talking. Like your beloved 30 Rock
MacGuffin: Ugh so painful. Just remembering her talking to Baldwin in her self important terrible accent makes me angry
Ms. Pink: Which is why cute, polite and white Amy Adams will win
MacGuffin: Well at least Marisa Tomei's recent"get nekkid all film, every film strategy" has paid off
Ms. Pink: Kate Winslet's still using that strategy, her and her annoying boobs
MacGuffin: It's ironic to see that Downey Jr. and Winslet are both playing roles that are essentially parodying the idea of actors going for the heavy handed Oscar bid, and boom they're both nominated
Ms. Pink: Because old people really get irony like that
MacGuffin: Jumping ahead...best documentary is a pretty good list. Man on Wire and Trouble the Water were damn good
Ms. Pink: Two words: Werner Herzog. Encounters At the End of the World was great
MacGuffin: I just wish he'd do more films with shoe eating
Ms. Pink: Foreign Language category is a little troubling. I finally saw 4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days a little while back. Golly good. Amazing crazy good
MacGuffin: I'm pissed as shit Reprise didn't get some kind of love there. Though Waltz with Bashir looks like it'll get the win. The last five minutes is still burned into my skull. Still haunts me just thinking about it
Ms. Pink: No 4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days, no love for Revolutionary Road- seems like the Academy's continuing with their anti-abortion stance
MacGuffin: I'm just glad we don't have to talk about Juno anymore. Have you seen United States of Tara?
Ms. Pink: Holy wow, I know. I love John Corbett and Toni Collette, so I thought I'd really get into it. Wow was I wrong. So bad. Soooooooo bad
MacGuffin: It's not even ironically good in a bad way. I've never cringed so hard it actually hurt
Ms. Pink: I just skipped ahead to Best Picture if you don't mind. No WALL-E, but worse yet....The Reader?! The Reader?! If I wasn't slightly dizzy and hungover I would try to kick something right now
MacGuffin: Hilarious. The reviews were really mixed, and the biggest complaint about The Reader was that it was so blatantly obvious in its Oscar baiting attempts. I guess it worked
Ms. Pink: I know Wall-E is animated, but seriously, The Reader?! Revolutionary Road was way better than that. Stupid Oscar and it's awful need to force any and all Nazi related films in. She can't read! And she's a Nazi! Boo-hoo!
MacGuffin: And somewhere in the world Tom Cruise is shedding a tear (from his one eye not covered by a ridiculous eye patch) I just love the fact that while a whole bunch of us are squabbling over this, MILLIONS of people are pissed about The Dark Knight getting no love
Ms. Pink: At least we have Milk and Slumdog
MacGuffin: Which means they're both totally getting shut out and Benjamin Button's gonna ream them all.
Ms. Pink: And this is why no one watches
MacGuffin: And yet somehow we're up early talking about this
Ms. Pink: And this is why we blog to play the game
MacGuffin: I think you have that catchphrase confused
Ms. Pink: I think the meds are kicking in...I'm passing out...THE READER?! (signs off)
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
- Who knew Beyoncé's rendition of Etta James' enigmatic "At Last" could be such a moving vision seeing the First Couple take their first dance:
- Or that after watching all TEN Inaugural ball dances I would be forced to exorcise "At Last" from my iPod for the next few months?
- Everybody does love Raymond, just not all the time. The awkwardness of dying during your routine in front of millions of people while you're scrambling to be funny is a pain every stand up round the world could feel. We felt for you man, we really did, and we still like you Ray Romano. Just don't agree to do mother-in-law jokes at an inaugural ball...ever again:
- Apparently the designer of Michelle Obama's inaugural ball gown, Jason Wu, was once a Parsons pupil of one Tim Gunn. Further proof that Tim Gunn rules the universe...and awkwardly redundant midnight commentary about presidential fashion with ancient suspender clad journalists.
- will.i.am is not a human being, but a digitized ethereal spirit sent to haunt any and all discussions involving the words "yes" and "can." Quickly replacing Wyclef as that "hip hop guy white people like" because he's almost-sorta-totally-not Bob Marley:
- Megyn Kelly made my body ashamed of watching Fox inaugural ball coverage while my mind struggled to comprehend the body's inability to change the channel after the upteenth reference to Obama's "lackluster speech."
- Who knew that out of all the political pundits, Jon Stewart was actually the one who most pointedly took Obama to task for his eerie intonations of Bush rhetoric?
- Obama's interactions with troops in Kabul at the Commander in Chief Ball was nice. His unflappable adoration for the ho-hum White Sox, not so much:
- A bi-racial person of color with an insanely offputting name is actually leader of the free world. (grimaces in pain after stabbing self in arm with pen) I'm still awake. This all actually happened.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I'm more of a Guinness guy, but it's hard to not want a cold green one after having your soul stared at by John Turturro.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Just in case you weren't sure who's really responsible for change we can believe in while making fat jokes about security guards that work in malls on segways re-enacting family friendly knockoffs of Die Hard.
Change. It's what's for dinner (if a mall cop didn't already eat it). No yay.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Just once I'd like to hear, "You are not the mother!" An impossibility I know, but still something worth dreaming of.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
How on earth I could have possibly missed this magical gem during my high school blaxploitation love period is beyond me.
Now Mr. Robert Rodriguez...this sir, is a remake I can get behind.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Half decent Tuesdays are Mondays that are cute and cuddly before they keep you up at night and make you hate yourself
Megan Fox's attempt at sarcasm pretty much illustrates just how terrible an actress, human being, and attempted thinker of thoughts she is. Leave Hawkeye and trannies alone! Oh, and she's kinda pretty in a skanky-banging-David-Silver-sort-of-way.
A couple that met on the internet weds at a Taco Bell. Suddenly my fourth grade boyfriend's proposal at Denny's sounds so much more classy.
Side thought: I'm not trying to be judgmental or anything, but, um...can you say green card?
I may have been behind the buzz on this, but filmmaker Kurt Kuenne's work is a bandwagon worth jumping on. Director of arguably the most gut wrenching documentary of the past year, Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father, he's also well known for his award winning short films that usually involve fables of magic, love and inspiration, or pretty much the sorts of things that usually have no place on a blog of suffering, snark, and sadness.
For those of us who only discovered him through the harrowing horror that is Dear Zachary, his delightful (yes I used the word delightful in a non-sarcastic manner) short films reflect a hopeful desire to find a slip of sugar in the sour, a warm bit of Capra in the cold. Sometimes a break in the snark is just what the soul needs:
Validation. Kuenne's most popular short about the magical power of free parking:
Rent-A-Person. A comedy about a restroom attendant who revolutionizes rush hour traffic:
Slow. A saccharine mediation on slowing down:
Monday, January 12, 2009
I've spoken before about my unabashed love for all things in quirky Japanese (here and here) but this live action Japanese game show staging of Super Mario is just...wow....no seriously...wow (and also huh? about half way through) but definitely wow:
Dear Kate Winslet,
I love you in all the ways a girl that so badly wanted to be you in Titanic could possibly be. You're one of my most favorite actresses, made me a sucker for your "I used to a chubby ugly duckling"-schtick and make being a girly girl great in all the ways Sex and the City has not. I love you for being as fun, interesting and likeable as Gwyneth is completely the opposite of bearable.
I actually went and ran out to see you in all your usual nekkidness in The Reader, which was pretty good.
And I erupted in rapturious exultation upon hearing one of my favorite books Revolutionary Road was being made into a film with you and the Candy that is DiCaprio, fulfilling my 11+ year desire to see you two all growns up and testing out that romantic dynamic in thirty-something suburban decrepitude.
You are a great actress. But please, please, please...don't go all Sally Field-y on us.
A long, drawn out weepy on the first award is fine, but after the second 'unexpected award,' please have the politeness to share some of that shine time for others, please? I love you too much to have to hate you that much.
I rarely (okay, never) make it a point to catch this current incarnation of SNL, but whenever the words "Neil Patrick Harris" and "live" are put together, me and my lady bits go into an involuntary tizzy. And while it wasn't exactly well...that good, it did have this wonderous spot of nostalgic genius:
Oh and as a bonus, I was rewarded with seeing what I think is probably the first Rachel Maddow SNL parody. Which wasn't funny either, but this Abby Elliott girl seems cute enough (though not as incomprehensibly adorable as our own Maddy Ow...sigh):
Friday, January 9, 2009
First we had a shameless promotional Colbert crossover, now the ensuing "Special Inauguration Edition" of Amazing Spider-Man.
Damn liberal comic book sci-fi media rears its ugly head again. (Via)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
(Watch the full Lil' Wayne vs. Bayless mindfuckery here)
Haters need to step off and leave our beloved Kate Gosselin alone. You try pushing eight human beings out of your vagina in this economy and not try using an exploitative reality show to help pay for ridiculously huge child raising costs.
And so what if the whole show is probably a complete and total fabrication used to exploit cuteness and an unrealistic familial dynamic that sexually promiscuous ladies like me secretly fantasize about while making sure no semblance of life could possible form in our kitty caverns?
Cue video montage addressing Gosselin family rumors set to Lindsay Lohan's "Rumors":
Done and done. Now if you excuse me, I have a lot of non-childrearing to do.
As a student of sketch comedy (as is our big man editor in chief), I've learned that the biggest struggle for today's sketch writers is trying to find parody when so many ads are themselves trying to be intentionally funny. "Trying to be a head of the curve" is how one of my sketch teachers termed it.
Then you see a trailer for a film about a coming of age dramedy/chick flick involving an American girl getting dumped and finding life affirmation in the craft of ramen soup making...starring Brittany Murphy...called The Ramen Girl...
...and then you realize you just need to give up your silly dreams of trying to write sketch and try getting a PA job on Vh1's Tool Academy. Brittany Murphy wins. We lose. The end.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
But this lady shows him who's boss (and what he can do with that last name of his).
"RECOGNIZE!" (hopefully the only time in my life I will ever reference a Scrubs intern joke)
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard
Monday, January 5, 2009
Um...yup. Possibly linked to the creation of unnecessarily 'creative' sexual terminology:
To quote our lady pink, "Eww."
Personally, I like my Lion King cranked:
But maybe I'm just a square like that. Oh and seriously, ugh (somehow I expected the "Mickey Mouse" to catch on more).
Obsessed. Starring that white chick with the whip cream from Varsity Blues and Heroes, that cute black British guy from RocknRolla, and some weird approximation of something slightly resembling Beyoncé's hair.
My roommate's Netflix shitty movie queue awaits...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The plight of the token attractive on-location local reporter is never recognized enough. Yes mother, this is why we go to J school.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Rachel Maddow makes the world go round by showing us how to make a nice Jack Rose cocktail. Tasty.