Thursday, January 22, 2009

Oscars '09: When film buffs and casual fans unite in their indifference

In a misbegotten attempt at something approximating coherence, yours truly and a slightly medicated Ms. Pink breakdown this year's Academy Award hopefuls and alsorans. Enjoy. I think.

Ms. Pink: So this was a mistake

MacGuffin: The nominees?

Ms. Pink: No, going drinking down the valley till 4am and forgetting that we planned to do this this morning

MacGuffin: Don't worry, we'll get through this

Ms. Pink: Maybe you will. My body has a tendency to not like operating before 10am

MacGuffin: Okay, so let's get to it...Apparently the Oscars really doesn't want anyone to watch them this year, not just Joe the Moviegoer but even the hardcore film heads

Ms. Pink: Yeah, but you could say that they've been doing this for years. The biggest cliche is the Academy is made of some old croaks who still masturbate to their autographed picture of Kim Novak and the cryogenically frozen head of George Cukor


MacGuffin: But usually it's either one extreme or the other. Something alienating average folks and critically adored like No Country for Old Men, or frat house poster fodder like Gladiator

Ms. Pink: Whatever, Crash was terrible. I know they didn't want to give it to a gay cowboy movie, but Crash? It was like some horrible afterschool special on racism by white people who think showing ignorant racism makes them special for how socially aware they are, instead of how ridiculously over the top the whole thing was. 'Look! Racism is bad! Let me show you by being really fucking racist!'

MacGuffin: I just love the idea of thousands of people renting/Netflixing Crash hoping to see their beloved Brendan Fraser and Sandra Bullock getting all racist and instead seeing James Spader getting all autoerotic with Casey Jones from Ninja Turtles

Ms. Pink: Because of Cronenberg, every time I rubberneck a car crash, a part of me keeps thinking someone was just trying to get off. Cause that makes total sense, that a minivan full of soccer moms covered in blood and Yoo-hoo totally just wanted to get their moan on

MacGuffin: Back to the nominees...lead actor category isn't too bad I guess. Except for maybe Pitt, whose "acting" was more like "blank stare peppered with great special effects and makeup"

Ms. Pink: Whatever, they need someone pretty for us girly girls to root for. Who are we supposed to get all sexy for, Richard Jenkins?

MacGuffin: Hey, Jenkins was pretty damn good in The Visitor

Ms. Pink: ...aka "the movie that no one will watch but will say hey, good for you old guy actor!"

MacGuffin: ...aka this year's Hal Holbrook

Ms. Pink: Yeah, anyway you know they totally nominated him and Jolie just cause they were worried Brangelina wouldn't show up. Like they worried that if they didn't nominate them both, they might pull a no show and try adopting their own Malia and Sasha

MacGuffin: Your gal pal Winslet only got the one nod

Ms. Pink: And for The Reader?! It was okay, but it was so heavy handed, it was like "hey we've got Nazis, the guy from English Patient, and Kate Winslet all natural breast-like"

MacGuffin: All I know is I am pissed, PISSED about Sally Hawkins not getting a nod. I know Happy-Go-Lucky was British and small, and not mainstreamy, but after Marion Cotillard last year, there seemed like so much hope

Ms. Pink: They filled their "unknown no one will care about quota" with the Melissa Leo nod

MacGuffin: Leo was good, but Sally Hawkins was great. And British. And cute. And great.

Ms. Pink: You and your lovely lasses about supporting actor: RDJ for Tropic Thunder?

MacGuffin: I love me some Robert Downey Jr. Loooovvvve me some RDJ, but this feels forced. It sounds like this was the nomination old people threw in there to make themselves sound hip to the game. Haha, look kids we get the joke, we think blackface is funny too! And maybe a part of them thinks they covered their minority nominee quota by nominating an American playing and Australian playing an African American

Ms. Pink: It doesn't matter anyway, since they'll have the pre-planned Christopher Nolan speech and Ledger film montage tribute all ready and prepared

MacGuffin: I'm just happy Brolin got the nod. Can you say gratuitous Diane Lane closeups? Yessirup

Ms. Pink: Supporting Actress category makes me sad. It's become the default, "let's throw in all the minorities here" section. Poor Davis and Henson cancel each other out. Cruz was fun but I think Salma Hayek can make anyone or anything look worse just by talking. Like your beloved 30 Rock

MacGuffin: Ugh so painful. Just remembering her talking to Baldwin in her self important terrible accent makes me angry

Ms. Pink: Which is why cute, polite and white Amy Adams will win

MacGuffin: Well at least Marisa Tomei's recent"get nekkid all film, every film strategy" has paid off

Ms. Pink: Kate Winslet's still using that strategy, her and her annoying boobs

MacGuffin: It's ironic to see that Downey Jr. and Winslet are both playing roles that are essentially parodying the idea of actors going for the heavy handed Oscar bid, and boom they're both nominated

Ms. Pink: Because old people really get irony like that

MacGuffin: Jumping documentary is a pretty good list. Man on Wire and Trouble the Water were damn good

Ms. Pink: Two words: Werner Herzog. Encounters At the End of the World was great

MacGuffin: I just wish he'd do more films with shoe eating

Ms. Pink: Foreign Language category is a little troubling. I finally saw 4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days a little while back. Golly good. Amazing crazy good

MacGuffin: I'm pissed as shit Reprise didn't get some kind of love there. Though Waltz with Bashir looks like it'll get the win. The last five minutes is still burned into my skull. Still haunts me just thinking about it

Ms. Pink: No 4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days, no love for Revolutionary Road- seems like the Academy's continuing with their anti-abortion stance

MacGuffin: I'm just glad we don't have to talk about Juno anymore. Have you seen United States of Tara?

Ms. Pink: Holy wow, I know. I love John Corbett and Toni Collette, so I thought I'd really get into it. Wow was I wrong. So bad. Soooooooo bad

MacGuffin: It's not even ironically good in a bad way. I've never cringed so hard it actually hurt

Ms. Pink: I just skipped ahead to Best Picture if you don't mind. No WALL-E, but worse yet....The Reader?! The Reader?! If I wasn't slightly dizzy and hungover I would try to kick something right now

MacGuffin: Hilarious. The reviews were really mixed, and the biggest complaint about The Reader was that it was so blatantly obvious in its Oscar baiting attempts. I guess it worked

Ms. Pink: I know Wall-E is animated, but seriously, The Reader?! Revolutionary Road was way better than that. Stupid Oscar and it's awful need to force any and all Nazi related films in. She can't read! And she's a Nazi! Boo-hoo!

MacGuffin: And somewhere in the world Tom Cruise is shedding a tear (from his one eye not covered by a ridiculous eye patch) I just love the fact that while a whole bunch of us are squabbling over this, MILLIONS of people are pissed about The Dark Knight getting no love

Ms. Pink: At least we have Milk and Slumdog

MacGuffin: Which means they're both totally getting shut out and Benjamin Button's gonna ream them all.

Ms. Pink: And this is why no one watches

MacGuffin: And yet somehow we're up early talking about this

Ms. Pink: And this is why we blog to play the game

MacGuffin: I think you have that catchphrase confused

Ms. Pink: I think the meds are kicking in...I'm passing out...THE READER?! (signs off)

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